Starting Anew: Heero's Journal
by Scarlet Faux
Summary: A/U Up until the last part, which does get R if not X. To understand, please read Innocence Restored first. Heero's trying his new life living with Cathy to keep safe, being in the now child-like state. This is his journal...
1. May 5, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~May 15, 195 AC ~  
  
~Hi, this is the first time I get to write in you, and Cathy says that I can say whatever I want in here and everything that happened during the day. I can say whatever I feel and think and do each day.  
  
I still feel sad my friends left, I miss them and when they left, Sis let me hide and cry and she told me that they would come back, just fine. I know she's right, but I still miss them and Faith isn't as happy either. She doesn't want to play with me and she whines a little bit at the door sometimes, but I tell her they are going to come back in a little while and she just lays down and sleeps. I don't want anything to happen to them, because they're fighting the war and they have to kill other people so they come home.  
  
Today, I helped Cathy feed the animals, I saw the big lion they call Lerado, the bears and elephants, and the tigers. Enchantress remembered me after she sniffed my hand a couple of times, then she let me pet her and Zita said that she was strong enough to ride like she did. Chant laid down and she let me climb on her back, and I held her fur tight and closed my eyes, but Zita told her to circle and she did in a really big area, letting me rider her and running really fast. I felt like I was in Zero again, I was free. The manager said that maybe, I could help train the animals and help Zita with her shows, maybe I could be in one!  
  
The manager is nice and he says that he's glad I am staying with Cathy, then he laughed and asked Cathy how many brothers she did have. Cathy said she didn't know but she guessed a lot, and she helped them when she could and that they helped her and the circus in return, but I wasn't sure why they were laughing so much.  
  
I don't really know what else to say, it's getting late and Cathy is tired. She just got done with another show. She said that I could send a letter to the others tonight, but I had to do it before she fell asleep, because I don't really know how.  
  
Cathy says that if I want to, I have to send them a letter now because she was going to go to sleep soon and that I had to too, it is getting really late."~  
  
Heero put his pen down and closed the journal, marking his page and putting it on the small table, the Velcro strips interlocking. Standing up and yawning, Heero looked at Cathy who smiled sadly. "I'm ready now."  
  
Cathy smiled, crossing over to the kitchenette with her laptop and setting it down. "I see we've already started writing in our journal. Do you like it?"  
  
Heero crossed over, Faith at his heels though her head was hanging and her tail falling down limply. "Uh huh, I said everything that happened, but it wasn't a lot. When are they coming back Sis?"  
  
Clicking away at the keys, the young woman looked up into the pleading eyes of her new little brother. With a saddened look, she watched him walk around the small island counter and placed her hand on his shoulder. "I'm not sure, they'll come back when they can, and no one knows when this war will be over to end it for good. I told Trowa to hurry it up, so he'd better." Trying to lighten the mood, she readied the computer for his message. "There you go, go ahead and type whatever you want to and just let me know when you're done, okay?"  
  
With a heavy sigh and a sorrowful heart, Heero nodded and began to type his day away, making sure to put something in for each of them, then telling them that he missed his brothers and so did Faith, and he hoped they were all okay. There were his family, his only family and he didn't want to lose his only brothers.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, I'm not really going to post these much anymore. If you haven't read "Innocence Restored", the prequel to this, you won't really know what I'm talking about and Heero's gonna seem REALLY out of character. It'd be best to read the first story then come onto this one. Just a warning. Each journal entry and experience that goes with it will be a new chapter. Till later on that is, when things *don't* look so good for the guys.... *smirks* Please review.... keep reading these and I'm grateful for all of you! *hugs* 


	2. May 20,195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~May 20, 195 AC~  
  
~Cathy reminded me of my journal, I'm not really used to this yet. I've been helping her and the others with the circus, but we're going to move again and we had to get everything packed. The animals are ready and waiting, everything is put up and ready to go, and the trailer is already hooked to the truck. Cathy said, that when we leave early tomorrow morning, she was going to wake me up and tell me and then I could go back to sleep. She said, so that it doesn't scare me when I wake up and she's not in the trailer and it's moving.  
  
The day after I sent my first letter, I woke up and got one from my brothers. Duo talked to me first. He said that they made a long drive and that he was driving some of the time, they stopped and stayed at a hotel in a really poor town and the place wasn't too good. The food was old and the rooms only had one bed with thin sheets. He told me he hoped I wasn't getting into too much trouble , and if I wasn't, to get into some more. I started laughing and when Cathy read it, she said she'd have to remember to get Duo back for that. He also said he was always bored, he hoped everything was okay, and that I was having fun, and that he missed his little brother. They all call me their little brother now. Even if I think I am older than Duo.  
  
Quatre wrote next, describing everything they saw and how he wished he didn't have to go back to the war either. He told me he hated to kill, to fight, but he wanted to end the war and bring peace. He said that there were also a lot of nice people in the town they were in, they weren't going to battle yet. They didn't have lots, but they were nice and treated them nicely. He said that Faith would learn to play again and that everything would be okay, but everyone would be all right.  
  
Trowa was after Quatre. He said that he was proud that I was helping and that the manager liked me a lot. He said that the manager was really nice, but he only let the best helpers be in his circus and you had to work hard. I told him I do and he said he was even prouder and knew I did. Trowa said that Chant must really like me a lot, because she let me ride her back without Zita and she was listening to me more and following me around more. He also told me that he was glad I was taking care of Cathy and the circus, and protecting them and keeping them safe. He said that it was about time someone did and kept his sister out of trouble. I was sure to laugh soft at this, so Trowa wouldn't get in trouble too. He told me he'd be back when he could and they'd all end the war for all of us. I hope so.  
  
Wufei talked last, he didn't talk, but he wrote. Oops. He said that things were fine, he just had to be patient with Duo's complaining and sulking. He was either tired or hungry or cold or bored. Duo was. Wufei told me that he hoped I felt better and was happy and that I didn't get in trouble and was helping out and keeping out of trouble. I am, and I told him and he only said not to take Duo's advise, not around Cathy unless I wanted to make her mad. I don't want to, but when I told Sis, she said that she couldn't be mad at me and that it was good not to get in trouble like Duo said, sometimes he says things he shouldn't. and is only teasing a lot of the time. He also said, that Faith was just a puppy and still had a lot of time to grow and play and that she probably would just bark at them when they came back, she might not remember them. I don't think so, she still misses them. Wufei said that he doesn't let a lot of people get to him, but he missed his watashi no otoko, it means little brother. He taught me that. But he said I was a strong warrior and would be just fine and take care of everything, he knew it and was proud of me too. I'm trying my hardest to be strong like they are.  
  
It's getting really late and Cathy said that I could sleep in, but I'm still getting really tired and Faith is too, but she doesn't like to sleep by herself. She doesn't like to be alone. Sis says it's time for bed too, and I'll try and write later. If I can remember. I can't call or send a letter to my brothers tonight or tomorrow or I couldn't before. They told me that they had to wait because it wasn't safe and that a lot of soldiers were looking for them in the town and they have to stay quiet and keep hidden. I can talk to them when they call, they're going to actually call when things are safe. Uh oh, Cathy is getting mad, I've got to go to bed now. Goodnight."~ 


	3. June 3, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~June 3, 195 AC~  
  
~Sorry, I keep forgetting and we had to move and unload everything and it was a lot of hard work to put it all up. We were being rushed, the manager said we were "behind schedule". So I helped everyone and put everything up. They always let me do something, and then I helped work with the animals for Zita. She said that one of these times, I was going to be in her act. She said she'd have to get me a costume too, but I don't have one and we would need to practice a lot. That's what Cathy said. Not because of me, but because of Zita. I wasn't sure why, but she started laughing and Zita did too and I tried to understand but she said she'd explain it to me later. She still hasn't.  
  
I'm getting really scared, my brothers haven't called and they said they would in a week or so. If I counted right, it's been two weeks and two days. Something isn't right. When I told Cathy, she said that it was all right and that that happened sometimes. But later, I heard her talking to Zita and she said she was really worried, she had a bad feeling. I want to send them a letter, but that might get them in trouble or hurt, so I can't. *I hate this war! It isn't fair!* I don't want anything to happen to them.  
  
I don't feel really good tonight and I'm getting really tired and I still have a bad feeling. I hope my brothers are okay, I don't want them to get hurt or die. Sis says I should go to bed now, so I've got to go. Bye."~ 


	4. June 5, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~June 5, 195 AC~  
  
~I still don't feel good. I don't like being sick at all. I was too tired to write yesterday, Sis stayed up with me the whole night because she said I had a fever and I had to throw up a lot. She said it was the flu, but I don't know. I just feel really bad and I don't like it. My stomach hurts all the time and I'm always tired and my body hurts and I feel really dizzy if I sit up. I also get really hot, but that's just my face. The rest of my body is so cold, but Cathy says that I have to wear the T-shirt and I can only use a sheet to cover me up. She said that my fever would go down and it is, but I'm still so cold and I don't like this. I'm still waiting for a letter from my brothers, I think they might have sent one but I couldn't get up this morning except to go to the bathroom and Cathy had to go and help the manager. She says she has a show today, but she'll come and stay with me until it's her turn to go on, then she'll come back after she's done. The manager says it's all right, and he hopes I feel better soon. I do too.  
  
Faith still doesn't want to play, but she's wagging her tail more and now she whines when I can't get up but just pet her. She sleeps on the floor by the couch, I sleep on the couch most of the day. I feel so weak and helpless, but Sis says that all I need is a lot of sleep to help me get better.  
  
Just a minute, Cathy's computer is beeping, someone's calling..."~  
  
  
  
Setting the journal down on the table, the Japanese youth rose from his bed with some effort, slowly making his way to the kitchenette and opening the screen. Struggling to stand, he tiredly opened the connection between the incoming call and their computer, Cathy had showed him how to. His eyes lit up and a small smile crossed his lips when he saw that it was Duo. "Hi Duo!"  
  
Duo looked into the pale face of his friend, his smile faltering when he saw his flushed, rosy red cheeks, his form lean and weak-like. "Hey buddy. Sorry we took so long. Are you feeling okay?"  
  
Heero nodded, taking a seat on the stool that Cathy had and leaning against the counter. "Uh huh, Cathy says that I have a fever though and the flu. I don't feel too bad, just really tired a lot and cold. Cathy says that I have to use a sheet to cover up, my fever's almost gone. It's only the afternoon, but she has a show and she left, but she says she'll be back right after she's done to come and check on me."  
  
Duo watched Heero struggle to stay awake, yet the smile on his face told the American pilot that the call was doing him good. "Well, you get better, okay? Sorry we couldn't call sooner, the soldiers were swarming the streets and then we finally had to battle. The town is safe and the soldiers were defeated, but we had to move and lie low for a while. Everyone's okay, Trowa hurt his arm a little, though surprisingly it was his left and not his right this time. He'll be okay, it'll just hurt for a little while.  
  
So, what's been happening in the good life?" Smirking, he listened to Heero laugh softly.  
  
"The manager says that maybe, I can be an animal trainer but Zita, the girl with the tigers at the show, she says that Enchantress likes me a lot and seems to a lot more than her now, cause she follows me around more and listens to me too. Zita says, that I'll have to be in one of the shows and help her with her act, and when I got better, if I want to, we can practice for a show and she'll get me my costume. Everyone is really nice, but we were running late and we had to hurry and pack and leave, and we moved too. This time, we're by a really big lake and it's really pretty. Oh, and Faith and Enchantress are becoming friends, Faith likes the other tigers but sometimes they can be mean and then Chant roars and growls and steps in front of Faith and the others are nice again. Sis says that she thinks she's her baby." Yawning, he winced slightly at the stretching of his stomach muscles.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay Heero?"  
  
"Uh huh, my muscles are just sore. Where are the others?" Looking in the background curiously, he watched Duo smirk.  
  
"They're in the other room, don't worry. What, getting tired of talking to me already? I see how it is..." Pretending to pout, he teased Heero.  
  
"No, I just wanted to make sure they were all right. I'm sorry Duo.."  
  
"Hey, don't sweat it. I was just messin' around. It's all cool. Just settle down, there's nothing to be sorry about." Laughing softly, he watched his friend with sympathetic eyes as he began to calm himself. With a sigh, he stretched his arms high above his head and looked back at the screen. "Well, you're tired and you still need to rest and get better, I'll go get someone else and let you talk to them for a while. Sorry if we scared ya with the long wait little bro." Seeing his nod, he set the laptop down a minute and went to fetch another.  
  
Heero spent the next twenty minutes, tired and pushing himself yes, but he wanted so badly to talk to the others. They were his brothers and his friends and he was just glad everything was okay. Finishing his conversation with Trowa, the last of the four, he heard someone come up to the trailer and found it to be Cathy, a curious and worried gaze in her eyes. "Cathy's done now Trowa..." Taking a deep breath and shaking the dizziness from his vision, he found the young woman to be crossing to his side in worry and disapproval yet a small smile at hearing her brother's name.  
  
"Okay, you go get some rest and let me talk to Sis for a little while. You get well soon and take care, all right Heero?" Trowa watched him stand with the help of his sister, worry still clearly etched across his face.  
  
Heero leaned into Cathy, letting his now weak legs rest. "Okay Trowa. Be careful. Faith and me still miss all of you." Letting himself be led back to the couch, he collapsed upon it and after a soft and pained groan, he nearly fell to sleep instantly.  
  
Cathy covered Heero, checking his temperature and finding that his fever would probably break within the next few hours. Crossing back over to the counter, she gave a disapproving frown at her brother's arm. "What'd you do now Trowa? I said take care."  
  
Sighing and shaking his head, he only looked back at his sister. "We were engaged in last minute, everything-stacked-against-you battle. I was hit on my blind side at the time, the cockpit being wrecked a bit but the gundanium that fractured my arm saved my life. It's okay. How long has he been sick?"  
  
"Since yesterday, he said he wasn't feeling too good the night before that. It's just a touch of the flu, his fever should break here pretty soon and he hasn't really been throwing up much, he's just been really tired a lot of the time. He'll be fine little brother, don't worry. You shouldn't go that long without at least sending a message, he had a few nightmares a couple of days ago, he was terrified because I couldn't tell him the honest truth about what had happened to the four of you. At least a quick hi to tell him you're all okay, even if he can't reply back to it right away." Sighing, she only began to take her hair down and placed her regular clothes on the counter.  
  
Nodding, Trowa spoke softly. "We'll try whenever we can but that isn't a guarantee. Take care of him and tell him not to worry, we'll be fine and that he needs to get well soon. I've got to go, we've got.... things to accomplish and take care of."  
  
Biting her lower lip, she knew what "things" they had to take care of, she called her farewell. "Be careful Trowa, all of you. Come back safe and don't go getting shot up."  
  
"Don't worry, it's not a favorite pastime of mine. Bye Sis."  
  
"Bye Trowa." 


	5. June 8, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~June 8, 195 AC~  
  
~I remembered this time, before, I was too tired from talking to my brothers that I didn't have the energy to write anymore for a while. I've been sleeping most of the time. It was my brothers that called, I'm glad they're all right but Trowa hurt his arm. He says it is just bruised up and hurts a little, but he'll be okay and I believe him.  
  
My fever is finally gone and Cathy says that I can use the quilt again, I was so cold. She let me use hers too and now I'm warm but my stomach still hurts a little bit. That's okay, Cathy lets me watch TV when I'm awake and sleep the rest of the time, I eat a little bit and drink a little bit, but not too much because when my stomach starts to feel sick, I stop so I don't throw up.  
  
My brothers sent me more letters, they said that they hoped I was getting better and that I was getting my rest. They had to move again, but they weren't going to be too close by. They were going to space, they'd stay at Quatre's home for a while. Everyone would be safe and they could call almost all the time. They said that they were getting tired of fighting, most of the time, that's all they did and they got even more tired. They don't get a lot of sleep and when they try, it gets hard to. I feel sorry for them, cause I'm sleeping all the time and I don't have to fight. But they say they're glad for me and they're trying to stop the fighting really soon. I hope so. I said that when I got better, I would practice with Zita a whole lot and we'd make a show, then they had to come back and see it for the first time. They all said they would and now we just have to make one up. That's okay, Zita says she has an idea though."~  
  
Heero laid his journal on his chest, stunned as to why Cathy had just burst through the door of her trailer and she was worried. Faith only jumped up from her bed on the floor and started barking madly. "What's wrong Sis?"  
  
Cathy listened to his concerned question but turned the television on without reply, her heart racing. Scanning the few local channels she had, she found the news. It was the battle, only about a hundred miles or so from where they were. Her brother and his friends had triggered a battle that they weren't ready for, Trowa said that it was only supposed to be a small mission! It was a full scale battle with both the Alliance and OZ, the two seemingly teamed up to capture the four most-wanted pilots. There must be hundreds upon hundreds of soldiers surrounding them! "Oh no..."  
  
Heero watched the television, he hated battle and fighting or even watching it, but he recognized those mobile suits anywhere. They were the gundams, his brothers! They weren't fighting really well and Quatre and his gundam seemed to be having a lot of trouble. So many other suits surrounded them, fighting and winning. "No, they're in trouble. That's my brothers. They need help!" Sitting up slowly, he was now deaf to his pain and he was terrified, his voice soft and pleading but with urgency. Feeling his emotions threaten to overflow, he watched the TV with unblinking eyes. He could feel the tears roll down from his eyes, but that didn't matter. If they lost, then they'd be captured like he was or they'd die. If they were captured, they might not get out and what happened to him could happen to them too! If they died, then the war would never end and they'd never come home! Looking away for a moment, he stared back with wide, sorrowful eyes into Cathy's. "I don't want them to leave me... they said they'd come back. They're going to hurt them Sis, they're going to hurt them like they hurt me..." Leaning into her embrace, he closed his eyes tightly, blocking out the visions of battle and the sounds, hoping that it was all just a nightmare. Opening his eyes again, he watched Duo and his gundam fall to the ground, but struggle to get up again. He knew that it wasn't a nightmare, it might be called a nightmare, but it was still reality. "Please don't let them die Cathy, I don't want them too. I don't want them to hurt like I did either." Groaning and whimpering softly, he felt the wave upon fresh wave of pain course over his body, he felt everything over again, the pain, the greedy hands, the weight on top of him and the other man inside of him. No! It wasn't supposed to happen like this! None of it was! He wasn't supposed to remember that or have to go through it again! Ever! No one else should either! Clutching at his sister's shirt, he tried but couldn't ignore or push past the pain.  
  
Cathy closed her eyes and forced back her tears, holding Heero as he cried. "They're trying to fight a battle they won't win, not like this. Yet they don't have enough sense to escape for the time." Sighing deeply, Cathy shook her head and rubbed her new little brother's back in a soothing manner, then a thought sparked in her mind. Standing slowly, she looked at him a moment then laid him down. "Stay here a minute, I'll be right back." Running quickly back to her room, she shut the door and threw open the lid to her laptop. Clicking away at the keys in a hasty rush, she linked her computer with the frequency of Trowa's mobile suit. He'd showed her how and practically had her memorize it by heart.  
  
Trying to slow his somewhat erratic breathing, Trowa fought on with every ounce of strength he had. When another joined their frequency, he was about to retort with a sharp tongue at who he thought was OZ or the Alliance telling them to surrender. "Now's *not* the best time to talk Cathy." Blocking another blow, he quickly took down a mobile suit that was keeping Wufei and Nataku a little too preoccupied and continued with the battle. OZ had picked the *best* time to go ahead and start a battle with the Alliance, making it all too convenient for the pilots who made a quick and sloppy escape and alerted both enemies.  
  
Cathy looked on in fear but anger, speaking out hastily. "I'm not an idiot Trowa, you and the others and the entire battle are on the television. You can't expect with both sides after the four of you at one time and with that many soldiers to make it out alive and free. Get the four of you out of there right now! It's a mission gone wrong little brother, you have enough common sense for that."  
  
"An unfinished mission."  
  
"You know that you need to live if you're ever going to finish it or any other mission! If Heero were himself and in battle, the odds would be a little different and you know that, especially since he could probably take out half of the mobile suits with Zero's beam cannon. But you don't have them in battle anymore, either of them, and you have to remember that! Right now, he's scared to death out there of losing the four of you and so am I. Trowa!" Cathy watched the screen flicker, her brother taking a harsh blow. Jumping up and looking back out into the main area and at the television, she saw that he'd been thrown to the ground. Turning back to her room, she caught his soft groans as the screen gave her a slightly hazy picture. "Trowa, get up and get out of there or you'll all die! I know you'd rather battle till the last man standing is gone, but if finishing this mission means so much more to you, then finish it later! You told me you were coming back alive and safe as you did Heero, and you are going to fulfill that whether you like it or not! You and the others! Get out of there, there's no way you can win this battle alone Trowa. Not now, not with this many mobile suits and less room to move, not to mention that you're all holding back because there are innocents around! Get out of there and into space like you'd planned, then rest and give yourselves time to heal before heading straight into battle again."  
  
Trowa heard his sister's words as he struggled to keep conscious and to get Heavyarms to his feet. Taking in a sharp breath, he was sure he'd just broken a few ribs and he could feel blood begin to trickle from an open wound on his forehead, he nodded. Quatre had taken a couple of gunshot wounds to the side as well and was struggling to stay alive, let alone fight. They couldn't survive like this, it'd be their last battle if they tried to keep going. Looking about, he found a gap in the circle that attacked them. "Duo, Quatre, Wufei, retreat back through the break in the line behind us. There aren't a lot of aerial suits left and the rest aren't made for longer aerial flights. We need to get out of here and now, we need to lose them or we'll never make it through this battle alive." Receiving a nod of affirmation from each of them, he fired at the oncoming soldiers as the others turned for escape. "Hurry up, they'll try and close us off. Destroy the suits that get in your way." Turning Heavyarms, it wasn't really an aerial suit either, he kicked off the ground and took off after the others, watching behind him as he dodged the shots that followed them. "Hurry up and be careful, they're trying to lock target so don't fly in a straight path." His orders were forced as he shook his head to dispel the light-headedness, yet it wasn't to much avail. Looking back at the monitor where Cathy waited gratefully, he smiled wearily. "If Heero's still watching, then this should put his mind at ease. Tell him we're sorry for scaring him, OZ tried to start a battle before we were done and we tried to escape, but they found out and sooner than we knew it, we were attacked from all sides. Everything's going to be all right, sorry for worrying you Sis. We're coming home, all of us, alive. I promised before and I swear it now. So don't worry." Taking another deep breath, he winced and kept flying, now out of the range of fire. Cathy gave him one last smile before closing the connection. "We can go ahead and hide in that valley over there, the trees will cover the gundams. Hang on a little while longer Quatre, then we'll take care of everything."  
  
Quatre took in struggling gasps, forcing his gaze to focus. They'd have to hurry, he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep control of himself, let alone remain conscious. "Then.... we'd better... make it quick. I'm just barely... hanging onto consciousness guys..." Bring Sandrock back into its path and up from a small dive, he forced his eyes to remain open.  
  
Heero watched the television, the battle still raging on but now they were just fighting with themselves, the soldiers. They each tried to capture the Gundam Pilots for themselves, but neither could stop their escape. Looking up to find a worn Cathy, he implored her. "Are they going to be okay?"  
  
Cathy sat on the edge of the couch, taking him into her embrace once again and smiling. "Trowa was being a little stubborn, but he finally found a way out and the others and he escaped. They're going to be fine, I just talked to him. That's what I was doing, remember, he programmed my laptop to reach his gundam any time we needed to. He said he was sorry for scaring you, but none of that was supposed to happen. OZ tried to start a battle before they were done with their mission and during all the madness, someone found out they were there and they had no choice but to battle like that. It wasn't planned. They're going to be all right now, there's no need to worry little brother. They're all going to be just fine." Releasing him, she watched a grateful smile cross his lips and the worry start to diminish from his Prussian eyes. "You're still tired Heero, and trying to get well. Go ahead and lay down and go to sleep." Helping to lie him down, she smiled and tucked the blankets around him, watching his eyes look back into hers as he relaxed in the comfort and warmth of the blankets. Delicately, she brushed away his stray tears with her fingers. Brushing his bangs from his eyes, she watched them close as he began to slip exhaustedly into sleep. A few minutes after he'd fallen asleep, the young woman rose and stroked the long since quieted Faith before returning to her room, moving the laptop to her small desk where the still recuperating squirrel now lived and fell back onto her bed. Closing her eyes, she didn't bother to change as she fell tiredly to sleep herself, they didn't have another show, today. 


	6. June 17, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~ June 17, 195 AC~  
  
~It has been a while since I last wrote in here. I've been really tired since the last time. I have been sleeping a lot more too. I don't know why and Cathy says she's worried, but when the doctor looked at me, he didn't find anything wrong except that I wasn't getting a lot of sleep and that my body still needed to get better from the flu. I wasn't really tired until I found out that my brothers were fighting and I watched on TV and they could have died. They called yesterday but I was asleep and Cathy said she didn't want to wake me up. She said that they were just calling to say hi and see how things were going, they got to Quatre's house and everyone's all right. When they tried to get out of the base, Quatre had gotten shot but he was all right. They weren't going to go into any more battles for a little while.  
  
A lot of people have been worried about me because I'm always tired now. The manager stopped in and said that he hoped I felt better, but I was too tired and fell asleep before he left. Later, I found out that a couple of times that I was sleeping for two or three days without waking up. One of these times was when we moved and Cathy stayed by my side the whole time and watched out for me, she said that it was what big sisters did. I'm glad I have a big sister too, this is my only family.  
  
I won't be able to write a lot each day or every day, I'm still trying to get better and then I have to work and help the others and try and help Zita. She says that I have to hurry and get better so that we can work on *our* act. It's finally mine too.  
  
I'm getting too tired now to write any more and there isn't a lot more to write. We're going to move again tomorrow, Cathy told me where we're going. I don't want to, but she said she'd keep me safe. We are going to move to another place, near an OZ base with a lot of soldiers. A lot of the soldiers like to go to the circus and that I couldn't really come out and do a lot. They might recognize me. I'm too tired to anyways, Plus, Cathy said she'd take care of me and protect me if they tried to hurt me again. That's good, cause I don't have the energy to protect myself.  
  
I'm going to go ahead and go to sleep now, I don't want to write anymore."~ 


	7. June 19, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
"~June 19, 195 AC~  
  
~We just got to the new circus area, it's right next to the OZ base. Cathy says that they'll never know I'm here, so there was nothing to worry about. I don't know, but Faith knows we're here and she doesn't like it. She'll jump up and look out the window and bark at people who go by until I call her to come and lay with me. Cathy lets me watch TV and rest, I don't feel like doing anything else. She tries to get me to eat, but I don't want to, thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Sometimes I eat, but a lot of the time, I just drink water.  
  
The first show is tonight and Cathy is practicing and she'll be gone for a long time, but that's okay. I'll be okay by myself and Faith is with me too.  
  
The others called again this morning, I tried to talk to them but got too tired and fell asleep. They said they're really worried about me, they say I shouldn't be this tired all the time, not for all this long. But I told them that it was okay and I was just trying to get better. I don't think they believed me. I don't know what's wrong, I wish I did. Faith wants to play now, she really does but I can't play with her and she just whines. She won't play when all the people are here though, she knows how to be quiet.  
  
Cathy says if I am still really tired later, she's going to take me to the hospital, She says she's getting worried too and the others said it was good idea. They said just in case. They don't want anything to happen to me and if it's making them that scared, it makes me scared too. I don't know what's wrong and I don't want to die or anything. I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be all alone. I'm scared of leaving my family and going away. I don't know if I'll ever see them again if I die. If I do die, I hope that someone will read this. That they'll keep it and use it for me. If I die, then I want Faith to stay with my brothers and Wing Zero too. I don't have anything else of mine, so there's nothing else to give to them. I know we all die one day, I just don't want to right now. But if I die, I want to die with my family, and for them to bury me in a really pretty spot in the forest. I like the forest, it's really peaceful and nice, I hope with a lot of flowers like Miss Relena has, they're so pretty. Especially in the morning time. I'll have to ask Cathy what happens when you die.  
  
I've got a really bad feeling something is going to happen, and it's going to hurt and be bad, but I don't know what or who or when. I just know, something bad is going to happen to me. I hope not, but in case so, I need to ask Cathy about dying and if I do, tell her to read this for me and have my brothers share and use it.  
  
I'm getting so tired again, so I'm just going to go ahead and rest for a little bit. I just have to wake up before Cathy comes back.  
  
I'm in the hospital now. I fell asleep and Cathy had a lot of trouble trying to wake me up. I'm not sure what is wrong and no one else is. She only closed her eyes and didn't look at me when I asked her what happened if you die. She said, that when you died, the good people went to heaven and lived happy with big, pretty, white wings and can fly and never hurt again. They turn into angels. The bad people like the ones that started the war went to hell and they were made to hurt like I had to but for forever. I don't think that is right. They might be bad people, but no one ever needs to hurt like I did. Ever. Cathy said that when I was an old man and almost a hundred, then I had to worry about going to heaven. I wasn't going to die. But she didn't look at me and her voice was really soft, so I don't know yet.  
  
I told her that if I had to die, I wanted her to do something for me. To give Wing Zero and Faith to my brothers and to let them read my journal. Then use it so that it would be taken care of cause it was a good present. Then I started telling her about being buried in a pretty forest with flowers like the ones in Miss Relena's garden to make everything a lot prettier and she started crying. I said I was sorry and she said it was okay. She was just worried and didn't know what was wrong yet and the doctors were still doing tests and I was just making her sad with talking about dying. She said it sounded like I almost wanted to. I told her I don't and I was sorry, but I had a bad feeling about something and I wanted her to know what to do.  
  
The doctor just came in, he said that he had the tests back and they were weird. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with me besides I'm not eating and I told him before I didn't want to because it made me really sick and I don't like being sick. He says I'm not even allergic to anything to make this happen. Cathy's crying again, but now she's smiling. The doctor says that the only thing he can think of is that I'm getting too much sleep and when I do, it makes me tired, just like not enough sleep can. He says that I should stay up for the rest of the night and then I can sleep in the morning for a little while, then I've got to try and stay up all day. But I'm still tired!  
  
I just asked Cathy why she started crying again, she says that she's just glad that that is all and that I'm not really sick and nothing bad is wrong with me. That's good, and when I asked her if that meant that I wasn't going to die for a long time, she started laughing and said when I was really old.  
  
I'm glad she's smiling now and she said that we can go home now, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I've got to try and eat a lot more they said, I don't want to but I have to. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt already.  
  
I just called my brothers and we're at home now and Cathy is trying to keep me up. She's making some soup for us right now. My brothers said they were really glad that maybe I was just sleeping too much and that I'm getting as bad as Duo. He just pretended to be mad and pout, Duo did, then he started laughing too. They also said that I should start eating slow and then start eating more and more when I was ready. Even if I didn't really want to, I had to try. So I'm going to.  
  
They also said that they were waiting for me to feel better and get my and Zita's show practiced and ready so they had the perfect excuse to come back. They were ready when I was.  
  
I also told them where we were at and they said that they were really proud of me for being brave and being so close to an OZ base. They said OZ wasn't smart enough to know I was there and that they wouldn't mess with me because when you make Cathy mad, they were going to pay. And Cathy likes me so that she'd never let them hurt me. That, and they were afraid of me because I was a really good fighter and a Gundam Pilot like they were. I still am, but I don't have to fight now. That's good, because I don't like to fight. As long as I didn't tell OZ that, they didn't know the difference. I'm glad.  
  
Cathy says the soup is almost ready so I have to put this away and stop writing. I get tired when I write too, so I'm not going to write until tomorrow. I've got to try and stay up now.  
  
Bye."~ 


	8. June 27, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
"~June 19, 195 AC~  
  
~We just got to the new circus area, it's right next to the OZ base. Cathy says that they'll never know I'm here, so there was nothing to worry about. I don't know, but Faith knows we're here and she doesn't like it. She'll jump up and look out the window and bark at people who go by until I call her to come and lay with me. Cathy lets me watch TV and rest, I don't feel like doing anything else. She tries to get me to eat, but I don't want to, thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Sometimes I eat, but a lot of the time, I just drink water.  
  
The first show is tonight and Cathy is practicing and she'll be gone for a long time, but that's okay. I'll be okay by myself and Faith is with me too.  
  
The others called again this morning, I tried to talk to them but got too tired and fell asleep. They said they're really worried about me, they say I shouldn't be this tired all the time, not for all this long. But I told them that it was okay and I was just trying to get better. I don't think they believed me. I don't know what's wrong, I wish I did. Faith wants to play now, she really does but I can't play with her and she just whines. She won't play when all the people are here though, she knows how to be quiet.  
  
Cathy says if I am still really tired later, she's going to take me to the hospital, She says she's getting worried too and the others said it was good idea. They said just in case. They don't want anything to happen to me and if it's making them that scared, it makes me scared too. I don't know what's wrong and I don't want to die or anything. I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be all alone. I'm scared of leaving my family and going away. I don't know if I'll ever see them again if I die. If I do die, I hope that someone will read this. That they'll keep it and use it for me. If I die, then I want Faith to stay with my brothers and Wing Zero too. I don't have anything else of mine, so there's nothing else to give to them. I know we all die one day, I just don't want to right now. But if I die, I want to die with my family, and for them to bury me in a really pretty spot in the forest. I like the forest, it's really peaceful and nice, I hope with a lot of flowers like Miss Relena has, they're so pretty. Especially in the morning time. I'll have to ask Cathy what happens when you die.  
  
I've got a really bad feeling something is going to happen, and it's going to hurt and be bad, but I don't know what or who or when. I just know, something bad is going to happen to me. I hope not, but in case so, I need to ask Cathy about dying and if I do, tell her to read this for me and have my brothers share and use it.  
  
I'm getting so tired again, so I'm just going to go ahead and rest for a little bit. I just have to wake up before Cathy comes back.  
  
I'm in the hospital now. I fell asleep and Cathy had a lot of trouble trying to wake me up. I'm not sure what is wrong and no one else is. She only closed her eyes and didn't look at me when I asked her what happened if you die. She said, that when you died, the good people went to heaven and lived happy with big, pretty, white wings and can fly and never hurt again. They turn into angels. The bad people like the ones that started the war went to hell and they were made to hurt like I had to but for forever. I don't think that is right. They might be bad people, but no one ever needs to hurt like I did. Ever. Cathy said that when I was an old man and almost a hundred, then I had to worry about going to heaven. I wasn't going to die. But she didn't look at me and her voice was really soft, so I don't know yet.  
  
I told her that if I had to die, I wanted her to do something for me. To give Wing Zero and Faith to my brothers and to let them read my journal. Then use it so that it would be taken care of cause it was a good present. Then I started telling her about being buried in a pretty forest with flowers like the ones in Miss Relena's garden to make everything a lot prettier and she started crying. I said I was sorry and she said it was okay. She was just worried and didn't know what was wrong yet and the doctors were still doing tests and I was just making her sad with talking about dying. She said it sounded like I almost wanted to. I told her I don't and I was sorry, but I had a bad feeling about something and I wanted her to know what to do.  
  
The doctor just came in, he said that he had the tests back and they were weird. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with me besides I'm not eating and I told him before I didn't want to because it made me really sick and I don't like being sick. He says I'm not even allergic to anything to make this happen. Cathy's crying again, but now she's smiling. The doctor says that the only thing he can think of is that I'm getting too much sleep and when I do, it makes me tired, just like not enough sleep can. He says that I should stay up for the rest of the night and then I can sleep in the morning for a little while, then I've got to try and stay up all day. But I'm still tired!  
  
I just asked Cathy why she started crying again, she says that she's just glad that that is all and that I'm not really sick and nothing bad is wrong with me. That's good, and when I asked her if that meant that I wasn't going to die for a long time, she started laughing and said when I was really old.  
  
I'm glad she's smiling now and she said that we can go home now, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I've got to try and eat a lot more they said, I don't want to but I have to. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt already.  
  
I just called my brothers and we're at home now and Cathy is trying to keep me up. She's making some soup for us right now. My brothers said they were really glad that maybe I was just sleeping too much and that I'm getting as bad as Duo. He just pretended to be mad and pout, Duo did, then he started laughing too. They also said that I should start eating slow and then start eating more and more when I was ready. Even if I didn't really want to, I had to try. So I'm going to.  
  
They also said that they were waiting for me to feel better and get my and Zita's show practiced and ready so they had the perfect excuse to come back. They were ready when I was.  
  
I also told them where we were at and they said that they were really proud of me for being brave and being so close to an OZ base. They said OZ wasn't smart enough to know I was there and that they wouldn't mess with me because when you make Cathy mad, they were going to pay. And Cathy likes me so that she'd never let them hurt me. That, and they were afraid of me because I was a really good fighter and a Gundam Pilot like they were. I still am, but I don't have to fight now. That's good, because I don't like to fight. As long as I didn't tell OZ that, they didn't know the difference. I'm glad.  
  
Cathy says the soup is almost ready so I have to put this away and stop writing. I get tired when I write too, so I'm not going to write until tomorrow. I've got to try and stay up now.  
  
Bye."~ 


	9. June 29, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~June 27, 195 AC~  
  
~I didn't forget this time, I was sick again. I tried the soup and my stomach felt a lot better to be full, but in the morning, I was still awake, I felt sick and I threw up again. Cathy sat by my side and I felt like I was back at Sally's again. I don't like being sick. I tried staying up but I got too tired and I had to cover up with the sheet again for a couple of days. My fever came back too. I don't feel like I have to throw up any more, but my stomach and muscles are really sore and hurt a lot. But now, I feel hungry, I didn't before. I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't like it and want it to go away.  
  
Cathy came in earlier and she said that she told my brothers and they said they hoped I felt better and that maybe when I didn't feel so bad that I should still try and eat. Even if I throw it up, because some if it is staying down. Cathy is doing a show right now and she said she doesn't want to, but she has to and will come to check on me later. There is nothing on TV right now so I just write in here and try and play with Faith. She wants to and brings me her red ball, so I toss it across the room softly and she runs after it, gets it, and brings it back. She's being herself again and that is good. She's happy now.  
  
I'm still really hungry and Cathy isn't here to help me. No one is. I'm going to stop and get something to eat, the soup was good and Cathy made up some more yesterday, even if I couldn't eat it and didn't feel like it. I have to eat something or I'll be even sicker."~  
  
Placing the journal tiredly on the table, Heero forced himself up from his bed on the couch and struggled to the kitchen. Most of the time, he had to grip something else to keep himself standing and from falling to his knees. With a stubborn persistence, he staggered about the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and placing it on the cupboard. "I'll play in a little while Faith." Grabbing the container with the remnants of the soup, he poured some of it into his bowl before carefully putting it in the microwave and the container in the sink. After the youth shook his head to dispel the dizziness from his vision, he opened the drawer and grabbed a spoon, then sat on the bar stool and waited for it to heat.  
  
Taking in slow spoonfuls, he was able to consume the entire of the bowl of soup, feeling proud of himself and extremely tired yet content. He didn't even bother to get up, but instead moved the bowl to the side and laid upon his arm, resting on the counter.  
  
Quietly opening the door to her trailer, Cathy looked at the couch to find it empty where she thought Heero would be asleep. With a worried glance, she shot her gaze around the room and only smiled at herself when she saw that he was asleep at the counter, a once filled bowl empty and the smell of the soup from the night before lingering in the air. "Looks like someone finally got hungry enough." Whispering to herself and shaking her head, she only crossed over to him and shook him awake, helping him back to the couch where he fell asleep again near immediately. At least he was eating and hungry, now all he had to do was keep it down. 


	10. June 30, 195 AC

Disclaimer: I do not own GW or anything affiliated with them, I do however, own the plot.  
  
~"~June 29, 195 AC~  
  
~I did forget yesterday, I ate and I didn't throw up again. I feel a lot better and I don't feel sick or really tired anymore. Just a little bit.  
  
Cathy let me come outside for a little while yesterday and today. Zita showed me what she was thinking and I really like the idea, all we have to do is practice now. Everyone is getting everything ready again, we're going to move and this time it is in a big city. Cathy says that if we get a lot of people on the first day, that we'll stay a little while longer. Big cities always get the circus a lot of people. That's good.  
  
Zita says that she is going to take Cathy and me into town and we can get me a costume too. She says I need one if I want to be in the show. I'm really excited. I want to be in the show and if we practice a lot and really hard, then my brothers can come back and see it. I want them to see it for the first time. I told Cathy and she says that it is a great idea, but we should try it for the circus members first so I can get used to having a crowd. That's good, I got really nervous when I went down to the ring on my first show, I don't want to get nervous this time. I don't want to mess up in front of my brothers.  
  
Zita has a white costume, long pants that flair out at the bottom into frills and a tight short-sleeve shirt. It doesn't cover her stomach though. She has a jacket too and it looks like a cowboy jacket, but it is cut off and the bottom stops at her stomach too. It doesn't button up. It's really pretty and she says I'll have a boy's costume, but a white one like Zita's. But hers is really shiny and the jacket is leather. I don't want a shiny costume and I want a shirt that fits. She only laughed and said that is how they were made, but mine wouldn't be exactly like hers. She said I'd see. So I have to wait now.  
  
I also got to ride Enchantress again and she was glad I was better too, Zita said. She gave me a kiss and she watched me play with Faith and the ball before she wanted to and ran after the ball too. It was really funny, because she would get the ball and Faith would try and take it and she couldn't and she tried and barked. Zita showed me how to tell her to bring it back with my hands. Now Enchantress plays catch with us too. Faith got the ball a couple of times but Chant tried to take it from her and Faith only ran around with her tail wagging. I'm glad she likes to play.  
  
I haven't talked to my brothers yet, they had to go back and fight and get rid of some of the bases so that OZ and the Alliance can't fight anymore. That'll be good, then the war will be over and they can come home.  
  
It's getting late and I need to help tomorrow because we're moving tomorrow. Goodnight."~ 


	11. July 1, 195 AC

"§July 1, 195 AC §  
  
§ You should really see it! I got my costume yesterday and it is a lot like Zita's, but it is really cool and it's mine! I'm so happy! I can't wait until the others call to tell them and show them. Cathy and Zita just laughed and clapped when I tried it on and they said they really liked it too! The manager wants to see it, but he was a little busy when we got back so I can't show him now. It's really cool! We spent a lot of time looking in a lot of stores and I got tired but the others didn't and I had to stop from time to time. They looked at everything five times and said that it was different and then put it back!  
  
I got white pants like Zita does, but they don't flair out and frill and I like that much better. She said I should try them and I told her no and she and Cathy started laughing really hard. I wasn't playing though and when I told them, they said that was okay and laughed some more. But, I also have a silver T-shirt, and it's a little shiny but that's okay and Zita let me get a white, leather jacket too! Just like a real cowboy's, and it isn't cut short either! They said I had to get new shoes too and I said I liked mine, but they said that it wouldn't look right and it might hurt the animals when we do our acts. So I got new ones and they're really different, but they're white too and made for moving. I think they look like ballerina shoes and I don't like them a lot, but everyone said they looked good with my costume and they bought them and I can't say no. Cathy says that tomorrow we can go ahead and start on my practice. She says I need to get my show ready with Zita and that we need to practice so that we know what to do and the tigers do too! I can't wait! Zita told and showed me what she wanted to do and I think it is really neat and a lot of fun and I hope the other people like it too. I just want to show my brothers, and plus, they get to visit! It's been a long time already, Sis says it has almost been two months already. Most of the time I was too sick to notice. I remember, I was always tired and sleeping and sick and hurting. But I wasn't hurting badly like I did before, and that's good. At Sally's base, the others said I almost died because I couldn't breath when I was throwing up.  
  
It wasn't as bad as the pain from the gunshot either. That hurts a lot and I wanted to scream and yell but my voice didn't work and I got tired really fast and I couldn't breathe and I could feel my blood leaving me. I could feel me dying. It was really scary.  
  
But that pain didn't hurt like I hurt before, I never want to hurt like that ever again and no one else should have to either. I don't want to write that, I don't want to remember that. I was really scared then and I wanted to die I hurt so much, but I couldn't and I tried to pray but God and the angels must not have heard me. Duo told me that I was never alone and that the angels were with me, a lot of them. They're called my guardian angels. He said that they protected me and took a lot of the hurt away and didn't let me give up because my friends were coming. They're not my friends, not all the way. They're my brothers. He said that they took a lot of the hurt away for me and made it easier and they were there to watch over me. And God was with me and he still loved me and knew that I was hurting and tired and weak, but he was being strong for me and he was sending my brothers as fast as they could come. He also said that he was judging the other men and that they would pay for all they did to me. I can still feel the hurt and being scared and I don't want to, so I'm going to quit writing about it.  
  
I hope the others are okay, they still haven't called and Cathy said that when she watched the news, three more bases were blown up and they were OZ and Alliance bases, they said it was done by the Gundam Pilots. I'm proud of them, they said they're still looking for them, so they didn't get captured. They said they would try and tell me everything is okay even if I can't talk back and send them letters. I hope they do, I am getting worried again.  
  
Cathy is back and she said that the manager has time now and he really wants to see my costume, so I'll be back in a little bit.  
  
I'm back! He liked it and smiled and laughed and clapped really loud when I showed him and a lot of other people from the circus stopped and started smiling and clapping too! The manager says that he is proud of me and that he really wants to see our show, mine and Zita's. He says that if I'm Trowa's brother, he knew I was going to be really good and another star! Just like Trowa and Cathy! I hope so, it'd be a lot of fun!  
  
When I asked Cathy today what would happen when the war was over, she said that there would be peace and that Trowa and the others could come home, and then Trowa would come and live with and work at the circus again. Then I asked her about the others, and she said that they'd go back to their homes and live in peace and try and help Miss Relena make the world a better and peaceful place. I asked her if they would come and live with and work at the circus too, but she only shook her head and said that they each had homes to go back to. I don't remember my home, I don't think I had one. Then what do I do when the war is over? I want to stay with *all* my brothers, I don't want to pick one to stay with for the rest of my life. I would miss the others too much. I don't know what to do."  
  
Putting his pen and marking his page, he laid the journal right down beside it. The thought of not having a home and trying to choose between the four of his brothers confused and plagued him. Heero didn't want to choose, he didn't want them to go away. They were coming back after the war, but just to leave again. Standing, he made his way to his sister's room and knocked on the door, his eyes cast to the floor. The Japanese youth felt a part of him missing now, he didn't know where his home was, or if he even had one. He had a family, but did he have a home?  
  
Cathy's head shot up from her book and her gaze was taken instantly to the door. "Come in Heero."  
  
Opening the door, Heero walked in, closing it behind him and he listened to Cathy get off the bed and walk to his side, he could feel her concerned gaze trying to catch his. Looking up with saddened eyes, he met hers. "Cathy, do I have a home?"  
  
Taken aback, she quickly composed herself. "Of course little brother, everyone does."  
  
"Where is mine?"  
  
Sighing and grabbing his shoulders, she led him to the bed and bade him to sit. He only took one look at it and began to back away. 'Right Cathrine, you *really* have to remember girl.' "I'm sorry Heero, how about we go ahead and go into the living room." Leading him out of the room, they sat side by side on the couch, the young woman taking his hand gently in hers. "Don't you want this to be your home Heero?"  
  
Looking away again, he only scratched behind Faith's ear. "Uh huh, but you said that everyone had a home to go back to. After the war. Trowa comes here to his home, Duo goes to his, Quatre to his big mansion that they stayed at, and Wufei can go to his. But I don't have one. I thought that when the war got done, they'd all come back and we could all live together here and they said they wouldn't have to leave again. I want to stay here, but I can't just pick one and live with them. It's their home. I would miss the others too much. I don't know where I belong. Where was my home? Did I have one? Did anyone care about me that hopes I come back?"  
  
Cathy wrapped her left arm around his shoulders, letting him lean into her as she hugged him. "Of course there are those who care about you, your brothers do and I do and so many other people do. I'm not sure about what there was before this happened little brother and before you came to stay with us, but that's the past and we can't do much except to learn from it. And everyone has a home. A home isn't a place, it's where you feel safe and loved and there are those who care about you. Your family. That's what a home is, it's not a house or one certain place, it's with those that love you and care about you. You can stay here, you're always welcome to and you know that, it's just, where do you want to stay?" Laying her chin softly on his shoulder and looking into his confused, Prussian depths, she knew that it was yet to be decided.  
  
Uncertain of what to say, Heero thought. He wanted to stay with the others, the feeling of being alone was something that he remembered from before "that night" and he hated it, he truly hated it! He never wanted to go back to that. "I just want to be with my brothers.... I don't want to be alone..." Taking a ragged and unsteady breath, he closed his eyes and felt Faith lay her head upon his knee. "I just don't want to be alone."  
  
Smiling, she gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "And you won't have to if I have anything to say about it and I always do..." Giggling, she caught a small laugh float to her ears and looking at him, she found a small smile.  
  
"Duo was right."  
  
"What?! You'll pay for that you little..." Reaching playfully, she tried to get more laughter out of him, finding that even he was ticklish. Surprising yes, but it was like he was a young boy again. His laughter was innocent as he shied away from her and she found herself looking into his tearing eyes as he lay on his back, laughing at her tickling fingers. "It's smart if you don't agree with Duo a lot of the time little brother." With a smirk, she continued. "Help me get him Faith!" She only laughed when the dog put her front paws on the couch, licking Heero's face as he struggled to bat away Cathy's hands.  
  
Heero tried to get away from Faith's never-ending tongue as he couldn't help but laugh, trying to push away Cathy's fingers as they moved over his skin, making him laugh harder. "I give up! I give up!"  
  
Smiling and sitting down on the couch, she watched the Japanese youth squirm to get away from her and Faith, then wipe the tears from his eyes as he continued to laugh and breath somewhat heavily. "Good job Faith, we got him."  
  
"Hey, that wasn't fair!" He laughed as he sat up, trying to catch his breath. Grinning and watching her, he backed away from her when she messed up his somewhat unruly hair and bangs. "I wasn't ready!"  
  
Grinning to herself, Cathrine feigned innocent. "Not ready? Well, you've had enough time so I guess you are now!" Laughing herself, she stood and began the bombardment of tickles again, his now childish-looking form squirming as he struggled further into the corner, not helping him at all. "You said you weren't ready before, so I guess we should start over again because you look like you are now. Help me Faith!" The puppy took cue and jumped up on the couch, licking his face and brushing his tears away with her tongue; he was laughing so much and so hard. Heero only tried to push her away when Cathy paused, but she soon continued and he was sent into more laughter.  
  
"Stop! Please... that's not.. f-fair!" Heero only continued to fight the battle that he knew he wouldn't win, Faith wouldn't let him see and Cathy was fast and didn't give up. "I give up!"  
  
Cathy stopped, laughing as she left for her room. She knew she had to use up the film somehow. Coming back into the main room, she found Faith still persisting and Heero, his face flushed and tears still flowing from his eyes, she clicked a couple of pictures. This was one to remember. Giggling to herself, she only laid the camera on the counter and called to the two. "Come on Faith, you probably have to go out. Outside!" The dog jumped down near immediately and raced to her side, she knew what that one word meant. "Are you coming Heero or are you going to recover from your defeat?" Smirking, she watched him rise and wipe the tears and puppy- kisses from his face with the sleeve of his shirt.  
  
"I wasn't ready that time either and I'm still not!" He added hastily, taking the leash from Cathy and going out into the night. "You cheated."  
  
"I do no such thing!" She declared, then laughed. Smirking, she sat on the steps of the trailer while Heero took Faith into the grass near it as she sniffed away. "Your brothers should be calling in a little while, or I'll call up Trowa again and give him a lil'-advise. He knows better, even if it's just to say hi and that they can't talk a lot or get letters, but they're okay. I know they are, but sometimes he doesn't like to listen to his elders, especially his sister." Giggling, she watched as Faith returned to the steps, having finished her business and Heero was still trying to slow his breathing.  
  
Opening the door, they let Faith in but Heero sat next to the young woman on the stairs, not liking the smell of the big city but he looked at his sister. "What is it?"  
  
She only pointed toward the sky.  
  
Looking up himself, Heero caught a clear patch in the smoky clouds, seeing the deep navy hue of the heavens and the bright, ever-twinkling stars looking down upon them. It was like they were angels eyes looking at them, guarding them. "It's so pretty..." Catching sight of a shooting star, his eyes widened and a grin danced over his lips.  
  
Giggling, Cathy turned with a somewhat child-like nature. "Did you see the shooting star Heero? Well, what are you waiting for? Close your eyes and think really hard about what you want to happen, then make your wish! Don't tell anyone what it is though until it comes true, okay?"  
  
Nodding vigorously, Heero closed his eyes and thought about how badly he wanted the war to end and for his brothers' safe return. 'I wish that my brothers would come home safe and soon and that we can all live together in peace so they don't leave me again.' Opening his eyes, he listened to the long awaited beep of the laptop, it wasn't just a letter, but someone was calling. Looking at Cathy for a moment, they both jumped up and headed into the trailer, Cathy accepting the call and staring back at her brother while Heero watched from her side.  
  
"Trowa! You can't do that to us! You really have to stop..."  
  
Trowa didn't really have time for this right now, so he interrupted quickly. "Sis, I need you to do something for me. Where are you?"  
  
Cathy took that cue as one of dire emergency and took a seat, ready for anything and anyone. "We're a few miles west of the Tokyo Tower, why? What's wrong Trowa?"  
  
Turning, he listened to another round of gunshots being fired as the Alliance soldiers tried to break into the room he and Wufei were in. Each time, someone always seemed to escape with some injury, Wufei struggled to remain conscious and hack into the computer systems. It was slower one handed, for he'd been shot in the lower abdomen and bled heavily and it wasn't really slowing "They're after Hilde and she doesn't know it. We can't get a hold of her. I need you to go ahead and try to get to her somehow."  
  
Nodding, Cathy took control, her fingers flying over the keys with accuracy and speed, but grace as well. Putting Trowa on hold, she tried to get a hold of Hilde at the number Trowa gave her, but the phone just rang and rang. Growing frustrated, the young woman closed that futile connection and turned back to Trowa. "She's not answering."  
  
"Damn it!" Taking in a deep breath, he gave her a quick glance before trotting over to Wufei's side, he was a ghostly white and his breathing was really forced. "Take it easy Wufei, we can't afford to get captured or lose you. Any of you. Rest for a few minutes, I can take care of this."  
  
Wufei tried to focus his vision and look back at his comrade, most of the time, he preferred to do things independently and alone, but he was glad that someone was with him now. His mind told him to give rebuttal, but his voice didn't answer that call. Taking in ragged gasps, he closed his eyes momentarily before forcing them open again. The best he could do was shake his head but he didn't have much choice in the matter, Trowa helping him into a safer corner, away from the door where gunshots echoed. Leaning his head against the cold gundanium, he held his hand over his wound and groaned softly, his energy diminishing. With a last surge of strength, he spoke softly. "If they get Hilde.... they'll use her.... against us... as a... a weakness."  
  
Nodding, Trowa released his friend's shoulders. "I know, save your strength, you'll need it." Returning back to the computer, a worried Cathy and slightly panicked Heero waited for him. "Cathy, we can't let the Alliance or OZ get a hold of Hilde, they'll use her as to get to us and we're powerless unless we want to hurt her. It's about a three to three and half hour drive, she's staying with a friend. I need you to get them away from there and safe."  
  
Taking in a deep breath, Cathrine nodded. "All of you better be taking care. I'll get Hilde, you be careful. Where's she staying?"  
  
Punching the keys with rapid movements, Trowa went ahead and gave her the address, looking back at Wufei who was near unconsciousness. "Thanks Sis, we don't have time for failure in this one or a couple of us might not be coming home. The Alliance has already sent someone after her and I don't know when or where they are, but they're looking for her and OZ always seems to get the drift of what these guys are doing and try to beat them to it. Be careful and get them out of there."  
  
Smirking, Cathrine nodded. "Just because I'm not a pilot like you little brother," she scribbled down the instructions and address on a scratch piece of paper, "doesn't mean I'm not capable or an amateur. Give me some credit. Take care, I won't let you guys down." Closing the connection, she looked back to find a paling Heero. "Heero?"  
  
Shaking his head slightly from side to side, it was like he was in a daze. "Something's wrong, something bad is going to happen." Looking at her with fearful eyes, he took in a shallow breath.  
  
"What do you mean Heero, what's going to happen?" Her voice was slightly impatient but the last time he had this bad feeling, he was sick for a while and it wasn't just something minor either.  
  
"I-I don't know. Just something bad." Turning from her, he slowly made his way to the couch. Sitting down, he stared before him, still a bit dazed.  
  
Cathy snatched up her keys, she didn't really have time for this but she knew that if she took him along, it could be dangerous. Yet, it could be just as dangerous if she left him here, even if she left him with Zita and/or the manager. Either way, she didn't have the time to sit and explain. "Heero, come on. I don't want to leave you here where I can't watch you and I might need your help. We need to help your brothers and do this. Come on." Holding out her hand, she watched him rise and walk to her side. "No Faith, you've got to stay here. C'mon, we need to hurry." With him running behind her, the two made their way to the car.  
  
§ 


	12. July 1, 195 AC continued

Heero sat in the front passenger seat, watching the road with a slightly fearful gaze. He had caught sight of one of the speed limit signs and it said 65mph, but gazing at her speedometer, it almost read 80 mph. It was all too good that this road was desolate. "Sis, what did Trowa mean she could be used against them?"  
  
Cathy kept her gaze on the road, hoping that picking up the pace would cut down on their time. "If they got Hilde, she's a friend of your brothers'. I think Duo has a thing for her. But if they got her, she knows a lot of information that your brothers do and OZ and the Alliance want that. They could her hurt, beat her up and stuff, and wouldn't care until she talked. Until she gave them the information they wanted and she's stubborn, so it would probably kill her. They would threaten your brothers into surrendering and giving up and being taken captive. And they would so that she wouldn't get hurt. It's mean and wrong to prey on peoples' weaknesses like that, but they'll play dirty in war. A lot of people will. That's why we need to get Hilde and her friend out of there and safe before OZ or the Alliance can get to them." Speeding down the long, straight stretch of road, she sped the jeep up upon catching sight of the city lights. She was now pushing 90 mph. Riding her brakes for a few moments, she slowed it down to 55 in a 50 mph zone. "Let's see, where's Atlantis drive..." she spoke to herself.  
  
Heero looked about, not liking this city any more than the other one but he looked for the street, regardless. "There." Pointing, he called softly to the sign, three streets up.  
  
Smiling, Cathy drove on down the street, turning left and carrying on for two more blocks. "Good eye Heero." She only giggled softly at his smug look. Her giggle and smile disappeared when they pulled up to the apartments, a car parked in front of it but it didn't look like anything Hilde would own. Driving on by, she turned in down the alley and up to the back, she heard a scream and immediately hardened herself to emotions as Trowa did. She wasn't as strong in that area, but what had to be done would be and her brother needed her, he couldn't afford a failure. "Stay here Heero, go ahead and jump in the back and stay down, it seems we might have some company." Watching him get into the back and sit on the floor in the shadows, she took off and headed up the fire escape. If she was right, then the apartment should be on the fourth level, window on her left. Taking the steps two at a time, she came upon the apartment, it was the right one.  
  
Hilde glared at the man before her, OZ just doesn't give up. Sitting with her friend, she watched him from the corner. "If you're expecting me to come quietly, think again..." Sneering, she watched the man with hatred.  
  
Cathy took a deep breath, maybe she should have sped a little more. Crossing by the window and to the one next to it, she entered the dark bedroom and opened the door to peek out at Hilde in the corner. The man had her back to her. Putting her finger to her lips when she saw that Hilde knew she was there, she motioned for her to remain silent. Opening the door slowly and without a sound, she listened to Hilde stall.  
  
"You guys really don't know when to stop, do you," she sneered.  
  
"You're coming with us little girl or you'll regret it. You better cooperate or your little friend is going to pay seriously. You might just know him by the name of Duo Maxwell?" Smirking at her stunned expression, he only kept his gun trained on her.  
  
"Damn you! Leave Duo alone or I swear, I'll kill you myself!" Anger welling inside of her, she only seethed as she kept her glare trained on him, his gun not bothering her in the slightest.  
  
"Really? I'd like to see you try. What the..." Turning at the creaking sound behind him, he saw a flash of white as something hit him before he knew no more, his body falling limp and unconscious to the floor.  
  
Cathy shook her hand, she hadn't punched someone that hard in a long time. Trotting over to Hilde and her friend, she kneeled. "Don't worry Hilde, he was lying. Duo is fine with the others and they haven't been captured yet. They asked me to come down here and invite you to my home for a little while." Smirking, she helped the two up, Hilde's friend not putting any weight on her right foot.  
  
"Sam, are you okay?" Hilde let her friend lean on her, her gaze concerned.  
  
The young woman replied. "I think I just sprained it."  
  
"No time now girls, we need to get down to the alley and to the jeep. There's another truck in front of the apartments and a guy waiting in it, he didn't seem to be a friend either." Smiling, she snatched up the gun from the officer's unconscious form and led the two down the fire escape, to the jeep and into it. Jumping into the driver's seat, she watched Hilde climb into the back. "Heero, you remember Hilde, don't you?"  
  
Hilde sat confused then watched the youth crawl from the dark shadows on the floor to the seat. What she saw was shocking, Heero sat on the seat, fear and uncertainty filling his eyes as he shied away from her. Why wasn't he with the others?  
  
"I-I don't remember Sis." Heero looked at the young woman called Hilde for a moment before looking out his side as they drove out of the alley, through the other backstreets and on out of town and to safety. He could feel her eyes staring at him and he didn't like it.  
  
"Sis?" Was all Hilde said. Was this really Heero Yuy, the cold-hearted, callous, uncaring, Perfect Soldier? What happened to him?  
  
"Yes Hilde, Sis. He's staying with me while the others are off in battle. Here, he'll be safe. It'll make sense later. Heero, this is the girl Duo likes and who we're helping. This is Hilde." Smirking, she revved up the engine and sped down the long stretch of highway, wanting to get away from that city. Pushing the jeep to nearly 95 mph, she kept that pace for at least the next five miles before bringing it down to 70 in the 65 mph zone.  
  
Hilde wasn't sure what had happened to him, but she wasn't so sure she wanted to find out now. He was truly different now, that for sure. "Okay..."  
  
Sighing, Cathy watched the road. They had a show tomorrow evening and she had to help and work and she wouldn't be able to sleep in. If you were with the circus, you only got to if you were ill and then it was seriously ill. It was already after midnight. "You were right Heero, and I'm glad I had you along to protect us girls. Since you're so strong and smart. You said something bad was going to happen and it almost did, when I got to the apartment, one of the officers was already there. When I told him that if he messed with Hilde and her friend that you'd get mad, he ran away. He knows better than to mess with you little brother. They all do." Smiling, she caught sight of his sheepish grin and giggled. "We're all lucky to have you here with us."  
  
Heero couldn't help but smile, she thought he was strong and smart and the soldier ran away. Cathy said that for him to be down in the jeep, but there, he saved them. Now he didn't feel embarrassed or shy, but proud and couragous. "That's right, they better not hurt my sister or my friends." Beaming when he heard Cathy and Hilde laugh, he shied away somewhat. 


	13. July 2, 195 AC

§  
  
Cathrine tried again to get a hold of her brother, but no one was answering either. Sighing in frustration, she looked back to find that Heero was sleeping on the couch behind her, he must have grown tired with the wait as well. Smirking, she only stood and covered his form with the quilt, it having fallen to his waist. Faith slept by him as well, curling up next to his body and laying contently with one of his arms draped over her thin body. "Goodnight guys." Getting up and walking to her room, she found that Hilde was still up, her friend having fallen asleep. She was right, the one named Sam did have a sprained ankle like she guessed. "You should be sleeping Hilde."  
  
Hilde smiled and rose, shaking her head. "Sorry, I can't." Walking out of the room and sitting in the kitchenette with Cathy, she spoke hopefully. "Did you get a hold of the guys yet?"  
  
"Not yet, they're probably tired and sleeping, too lazy to get to the phone." Giggling, she motioned that they had to be quiet, Heero was sleeping.  
  
Hilde looked, catching sight of Heero's peacefully sleeping form with his dog, they were so cute together! Whoa, what was she thinking?! Was this really Heero? "Cathrine, what could have possibly happened to change Heero this much? Last time I saw him, he was nothing short of the Perfect Soldier, now he's just like--like a child."  
  
Nodding, Cathy poured herself some tea and offered Hilde some. The teenage girl took it willingly. "He has changed a lot, and I don't want this to be told to anyone else. When Trowa asked me if he could stay here, I thought he'd just done something like self-detonate again while in the cockpit or got himself shot up badly. I wasn't really prepared for the pain, hatred, and anger in my brother's eyes. Heero was put through torture like no one ever should be, it wasn't just hitting him physically. But more of a mental and emotional abuse.... and there were enough sick and psychotic bastards that were willing to take control of him and use his body for their own pleasures. Like he was no more than a street prostitute."  
  
At this, Hilde nearly spit her tea out and all over the counter, choking it back and swallowing it harshly. She wasn't expecting that.  
  
Cathy continued. "And they did this repeatedly, OZ soldiers. And no one stopped it, they didn't even try! Then they'd try and beat the information out of him each day, and continue with their sick games during the night. It's a wonder he's still alive..." With sorrowful eyes, Cathy looked at Heero who was beginning to stir and walked silently to his side, placing an hand on his chest and cooing soft assurances as he settled down. Delicately, she brushed his bangs from his eyes, then traced her fingers along the side of his cheek. He only responded to it naturally by moving toward her touch. Smiling, she looked up to see Hilde standing sympathetically by her side. "And now, no one is ever going to hurt him again, he should never have had to go through that. If anything came from that, it was this. A second chance at a life." Rising, she tucked the blanket cozily around his shoulders and watched him snuggled deeper beneath them, peace falling upon him.  
  
Hilde watched, biting her tongue. OZ? Do such a thing to anyone, let alone him? She hated them before, but now, she loathed them with a burning passion. "Poor Heero..." Sighing, she knew that she was lucky herself to be free.  
  
"The others didn't want to put him through the hell of war, not when he had a chance to forget it, so he's staying here. He was originally planned to stay with Relena," she whispered. "But something happened at Sally's base, he was in a dream or a nightmare, but he was awake and terrified. Like a hallucination, I guess. They'd tried to talk him out of it, but Heero nearly died from shooting himself, right through the heart. He said that he didn't see them, but the soldiers and they wanted to use his body and he wouldn't be able to kill them all so he'd rather die. He'd actually had the gun trained on Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa. He made it through that alive too, he's very lucky." Smiling softly, she led Hilde back to the counter after grabbing the laptop. "Let's see if we can't get a hold of someone."  
  
  
  
"§ July 2, 195 AC §  
  
§ Cathy let me sleep in today, I was really tired from the night before. She said I had a home, I just had to find out where it was. I'm trying. Then she started tickling me and Faith helped her and I said I gave up, but then I told her she cheated and it wasn't fair because I wasn't ready and she started again. Then we went outside and I saw a shooting star and made a wish, but I can't tell until it comes true so I'll have to remember. We came inside when my brothers called, but they were on a mission and I heard guns shooting and we had to help a friend so that they would be okay. Her name is Hilde. Hilde is really nice, Sis says that Duo likes her. Duo has a girlfriend! I'm going to tease him when he comes back! I couldn't talk to him last night, or would it be this morning? My sister got a hold of them and they said that everything was okay, Wufei got hurt this time and he was really tired, but everyone was okay. They were glad that everyone was okay and that I was with them and they told Cathy to tell me that I did a really good job in taking care of everyone. Cathy told me that she said to the man that he was going to make me mad if he hurt my sister or my brothers' friends and he ran away like a big baby! I wouldn't let anyone hurt them, ever! They all said that they really wanted to see my costume too and they were really curious and ready to come for a visit! Cathy told them that it was a surprise and that they'd have to wait and then she started laughing when they couldn't get her to tell them. Hilde said that. I want it all to be a surprise, so I can show them I learned a lot and practiced hard. Hilde is still sleeping and her friend is too. She hurt her ankle. In a little while, when Hilde wakes up and when Zita is ready, we are going to go practice for our act. I'm ready to learn a lot and work really, really hard! I'm going to make everyone proud of me. Here comes Zita. She says she's ready and Hilde's waking up. I let her sleep on my bed on the couch, she was really tired. I'm glad everything is okay, but I have to go and practice now. Bye." 


	14. July 6, 195 AC

"§ July 6, 195 AC §  
  
§ I've been working really hard in the last four days, I didn't have time to write. Zita says we're just about ready. I'm really excited! Then when we are, the manager says to go ahead and tell him and everyone in the circus can watch for my first time in our show! We should be ready tomorrow to show them in the evening. Zita says she's positive and she told the manager, so he's going to close the evening show so that everyone can watch! He's going to tell the people today and tomorrow morning about it so that the people who work in the games and rides can watch too!  
  
I asked Hilde if she was going to come and she said she'd love to and wouldn't miss it for the world! I'm so glad she's coming, and if we do good, Cathy is going to go ahead and call the others and when my brothers get here, I'll go ahead and do the show for them! I'm going to wait till they get here to do another show, I don't want to ruin the surprise.  
  
Uh oh, Cathy says that in a little while, I have to go to bed because I need my energy for my own show tomorrow. I will, but I don't think I can sleep. She says that I can stay up and talk to Hilde, but in a little while I have to go to bed. She's going to sleep right now, Cathy is. She's really tired too. Cathy says she's really proud of me anyway, no matter how I do but she says that I'll be a natural star like Trowa. I hope so."  
  
Heero looked up, finding Hilde absorbed in a large book that Cathy had let her borrow. Yawning, he looked at the clock. It was almost 10:00 pm.  
  
Hilde caught his look and yawn out of the corner of her eye. "Tired Heero?"  
  
Looking back at her with curiosity, he shook his head. "Not a lot, a little bit. What is that?"  
  
"It's called Lions and Lace, it's a really good book so far. Done writing in your book already? I thought for sure that you were making a novel." Grinning, she marked her page and laughed as he grinned himself.  
  
"Hu uh... it's a journal. Cathy says that I write what happened in it during the day and how I feel and what I do. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I'm too tired or sick, but I try and write a whole lot. It was a present from Miss Relena." Holding it up with pride after marking his page, he watched her eyes look at the journal in wonder.  
  
"It's so pretty," was all she said, the leather-bound book covered with intricate designs, five animals to be exact. Each one of the pilots' names was embroidered into the cover, their gold, cursive letters perfect for each animal. "It is really pretty, and I'm sure Miss Relena knew what she was doing when she picked that out. I take it you like it?" Teasing, she laughed at his vigorous nods.  
  
"I really like it a lot! I've written a lot of things down in here and it's lots of fun and keeps me so I'm not bored." Standing, he went to pull Faith back from the door, she was scratching and whining and it would wake up Cathy. His sister slept in her room, but on the floor while Sam slept on the bed. Hilde said she didn't mind sleeping on the floor in the living room with him. "Okay Faith, come here."  
  
Hilde rose, walking to the two as she watched Heero chain the greyhound to the leash. "Care if I join you?"  
  
"You can come, I don't like the smell of the big city but Faith has to go outside and sometimes you can see the stars. I saw one a couple of days ago and Cathy said I could make a wish and I did, but I can't tell yet." Opening the door after putting on his shoes, he walked into the surprisingly cold night air and listened to Hilde walk out too. Looking up, he found a small place where the smoky clouds didn't cover the stars. "You can see the stars there."  
  
Following where he was pointing, she smiled. "You can, do you come out and watch the stars a lot with Cathy?" She sat upon the steps, watching Faith walk into the grass by the trailer and do her business.  
  
"Sometimes, she's usually tired or I am or we both are. Being in the circus is a lot of hard work." Laughing when Faith caught sight of her ever-wagging tail and decided it was something trying to sneak up on her, she chased it, round and round in circles until she lost sight of it, walking around and stumbling from being dizzy. Heero only laughed more and Hilde did too.  
  
"Sometimes, I wonder about her. Don't feel bad Faith, if I were you, I'd probably end up doing the same thing." Giggling, she hugged herself and watched the stars, listening to Heero come up beside her and sit on the stairs too. Sighing, she was actually surprised to see small wisps of her breath. "Do you know when your friends are coming back?" The question just popped into her mind and she couldn't help but blurt it out.  
  
Looking at her, he shook his head. "They're not my friends."  
  
Taken aback, Hilde stared at him. "What?"  
  
Again, he repeated but went on this time. "They're not my friends. They're my brothers. Cathy and the others said that they would come back when they could, but they needed a good reason to come back this early and if I got my show ready with Zita, that they would come back right away for a little bit to watch it. If I do good tomorrow, Sis says that we can call and tell them we're ready." Smiling, he took in a deep breath and began to shiver.  
  
Giggling softly, the young woman stood. "That's good, and I know you'll be perfect tomorrow. Here, it's getting late and you need your rest. That, and it's getting a little cold out here. Come on..." Helping him up, she frowned slightly when seeing the scars on his wrists but remembered what Cathrine had said happened and she understood.  
  
Heero let her lead him in, taking the leash off of Faith and kicking off his shoes. Taking a seat on the couch, he looked about himself. His night shirt, one of the baggy ones Duo let him borrow, was on the back of the couch and he didn't really bother with it. But now, he wasn't that tired but didn't want to dress in front of Hilde. In Cathy's room, his sister and Sam were sleeping. The bathroom wasn't really big and it was hard to move around in. Grabbing the shirt, he averted his gaze. "Uh, Hilde... I don't wanna be mean... but.."  
  
Catching his intentions quickly, she giggled. "I'll turn around Heero. Tell me when you're done." Turning her back to him and closing her eyes, she covered them with her hands to show Heero that she wasn't looking.  
  
Changing quickly he took the pair of shorts too and changed into those. It wasn't really comfortable to sleep in jeans. "I'm done." Grinning, he began to lay down on the couch, still shivering as he stretched out on the cushions. Faith snuggled next to him as always and he let Hilde put the blanket warmly over his shoulders and tuck it in. "Goodnight Hilde."  
  
Turning to her bed on the floor, the teen only laughed softly. "Goodnight Heero, sleep tight."  
  
Laughing softly, he hadn't heard the last part before, he fell asleep with Faith kicking back and trying to force him against the back of the couch. § Heero moved unconsciously and turned onto his back, a soft groan escaping his throat as he dreamed on. Yet, things were different inside of the dream.  
  
¤Heero awoke, finding that he was alone in a room, a menacing room. It was pitch black, the darkened void seeming to close in around him as the walls reverberated his every breath and heartbeat. Looking about in a panic, he only caught the glint of metal, both around his ankles and wrists. 'No, not this again. Please, someone help me!'  
  
Yet no one heard his call, he could taste and feel the familiar, dirty rag shoved half-way down his throat. He could feel the spring mattress beneath him, the coils digging sharply into his back and tearing his skin.  
  
The door opened before him, a large, built man standing in the light of the doorway, his silhouette stern and roguish. He had already started to strip away his clothing and the only feature the terrified, Japanese youth could see were his eyes, evil and gleaming with lust and want. Taking in his body and sizing him up, amuzement playing within them as he walked over to Heero.  
  
Heero felt his heartbeat quicken, his heart pounding sharply against his ribs, his pulse rapid and far beyond a healthy rate. His breathing came in quick, ragged breaths as he struggled ferociously to break free of his restraints but to no avail. Closing his eyes, Heero felt the weight and body heat of the other man atop him, sliding into the bed along with him. 'Go away! Leave me alone! I don't want to feel this all over again! Where are the others?!' His eyes shot open wide then closed slightly as he felt himself scream against the cloth gags. The large, stiff, manhood of the other forcing its way ruthlessly into his body, his weight crushing Heero's lean form. And he felt the other man push harder and faster, thrusting himself into Heero as he sank between his thighs. 'Get out of my body!' But Heero was not made for this, he wasn't some woman for them to take advantage of! He wasn't just some whore! He could feel himself screaming again and again, each time the other man entering his body more and with a vicious cruelty. The man's palms kneed his shoulders, his fingers digging into Heero's muscles and seeming to crush the bones beneath them as he forced Heero down. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he could only feel the pain and scream, tears flowing from his eyes as the laughter of the other filled is ears. The youth's body was thrust about and forced to arch with the other man before he crushed him into the mattress again, the sharp coils digging into his skin and muscles. And still it continued, the other seeming to grow inside of Heero as he felt a searing pain rip throughout his entire body. Crying out, he clenched his fists and screamed, the pain, no--the ultimate hell and torment coursing through his veins. And still the other man pumped harder and fast, bringing Heero's body up and his back arching unnaturally as he was pulled against the handcuffs. The greedy hands traveled from his shoulders, down his sides and back, grabbing him and forcing him upward as the man entered and pulled from his body, forcing himself inside, further and further each time. Still he screamed, crying and praying for help as the other continued, forcing himself into Heero's body, grinding his smaller form further and further into the bed and forcing him to take it.¤  
  
Bolting upright, Heero stared into the faces of Hilde and Cathy, both terrified and disturbed. Shaking violently, the youth could only shake his head from side to side with sad, tormented eyes and let his tears fall. Falling into Cathrine's embrace, he began to cry and shake harder, feeling the pain overwhelm his body again.  
  
Cathy held her little brother, not needing to ask what his nightmare had just been about. Hilde had come to awaken her for she wasn't sure what to do with Heero as he began to groan softly, then she was up and out of her bed when she began to hear screaming. Most of the circus was probably up as well, but they didn't ever need to know what had happened to Heero and they could wonder for the rest of eternity. Holding him close and rubbing his back soothingly, she began to coo soft assurances to him. "It's okay Heero, it was a nightmare and nothing like that is ever going to happen. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. Shh, it's okay. Go ahead and cry, it's okay to get scared. No one's going to hurt you and that happened in the past. We can't do anything about that but we don't ever have to let it happen again. Shhh, it's going to be okay, everything's going to be okay." Stroking his hair, she looked down and brushed away his bangs, tears still flowing from his eyes as they closed tightly, trying to block out the images.  
  
Heero took in deep, calming breaths, yet it didn't help him much. Continuing to tremble, he cried softly as he opened his eyes. Yet Cathy's confidence and assurances and attempts to calm him were working. Taking in a deeper breath, he caught the faint scent of lilacs and wild roses on a warm spring day and released it, calming even more as he tried to steady his ragged breathing. "I saw it, it didn't happen before, but I've got another bad feeling Sis. A really bad feeling..." Gasping as he began to calm, he could feel her begin to rock them both and closed his eyes again, letting himself be drawn into her comfort. Faith sat at his side, whining softly on the floor.  
  
Dropping her hand and reaching behind herself, Cathrine grabbed the quilt and pulled it around, wrapping it around Heero's shoulders before she continued to comfort him. Rubbing his back and cooing softly in his ear, she felt him begin to relax. "You may have had a bad feeling, little brother. But we'll never let that happen to you, never." Finally after about twenty minutes, the shaken boy laid down and let himself be covered, Cathy softly brushing away his stray tears with her fingers. "Don't think about it little brother, and it will not invade your dreams again. Think about your brothers coming home from the war, never having to leave again, but you can all be happy and a family." Humming softly as she watched Hilde enter her room to calm her friend, she let her voice build softly into words as she sang.  
  
"Many nights we've prayed with no proof anyone could hear. In our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood. Now we are not afraid, although we know there's much to fear. We were moving mountains long before we knew we could.  
  
There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve? When you believe, somehow you will, you will when you believe.  
  
In this time of fear, when prayer so often proved in vain, hope seemed like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away. Yet now I'm standing here, with heart so full I can't explain, seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say.  
  
There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve? When you believe, somehow you will, you will when you believe.  
  
Ashira I' Adonai ki gaoh gaah. Ashira I' Adonai ki gaoh gaah. Michamocha baelim Adonai. Michamocha ne dar ba ko desh. Nachitah v'chasd'cha am zu gaalta. Nachitah v'chasd'cha am zu gaalta. Ashira, ashira, ashira."  
  
Her voice began to quicken with spirit and freedom.  
  
"Ashira I' Adonai ki gaoh gaah. Ashira I' Adonai ki gaoh gaah. Michamocha baelim Adonai. Michamocha ne dar ba ko desh. Nachitah v'chasd'cha am zu gaalta. Nachitah v'chasd'cha am zu gaalta. Ashira, ashira, ashira. At this, her voice sped up with the lyrics from a slow and soothing speed to an energetic one, her words and the notes louder and with more confidence and love as Heero drifted back into sleep.  
  
"There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve? When you believe, somehow you will, now you will. You will when you believe...."  
  
Slowing and becoming softer, she faded away and turned to find that Hilde was watching her and smiling.  
  
Hilde watched Cathy in amazement. Heero was so badly shaken just a few minutes ago and now he was sleeping. He didn't even want to *think* about sleep! Yet now, he rested peacefully, Cathrine's gentle but strong voice ringing between the walls of the trailer and echoing like a dove's song in her mind. She had a pretty voice, that was for sure. "That was beautiful Cathrine."  
  
Smiling and rising, she blushed slightly. "It was nothing, but he sleeps now and he's going to need it. The faster my brother and his friends end this war, the better, for all of us." Glancing back at Heero, she decided to grab the blanket from her room and sit by his side.  
  
Hilde watched her, returning to her bed on the floor and drifting tiredly into sleep herself. She only looked up to watch Cathrine settle down on the floor by Heero's side, pulling the blanket around her shoulders while Faith snuck under and kept warm. Then she fell asleep.  
  
Cathy only stayed up for a few minutes more, the exhaustion finally catching up with her. 


	15. Heero's Capture

§ July 7, 195 AC §  
  
§They're coming! My brothers are coming back! Everyone said we did excellent and they loved mine and Zita's show! We did everything right and I got a little nervous at first, but when Cathy and Hilde stood up and started clapping when I came out, everyone else did too! Then I wasn't nervous anymore. I was proud of myself and did everything just like we practiced, it was so much fun! I like being out there in front of people now, it's lots of fun and I like being in the "spotlight" like Cathy said. The manager says that I'll be a natural star, just like my brother and sister! I hope the others will be proud of me too. Cathy says that we just need to wait a little while longer and then call them, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I can't tell them what I'm doing in the show yet, I want it to be a surprise. I really want to see their faces when they see my costume and my show. Not mine, mine and Zita's. I'm feeling a lot better today, last night, I had a bad dream. I saw that I was back in the small, dark room and I felt it all over again. I was so scared, I thought it was real and I couldn't find my brothers and I didn't know what was happening. I just felt the hurt all over again as the other man laid on me and then pushed himself inside my body. I couldn't stop him and I just kept screaming and no one came to help me. No one heard me. Then I woke up and found out it was a dream and Cathy let me cry and held me and calmed me down, she said that no one was ever going to hurt me and that she wouldn't ever let that happen. I trust her, but I had a bad feeling again. She said that this bad feeling was wrong, because she wasn't ever going to let something like that happen. I hope not, and I trust her. I've just still got a bad feeling. The bad feeling is getting worse now, and there's a lot of noise outside and a lot of yelling. I've gotta go, Cathy should be back from taking Hilde and Sam to another safe place. Faith is growling at the door and her tail is down, something is really wrong and I have to go.  
  
Quickly marking his page and closing his journal, Heero placed it and the pen on the table, getting up to look out the window. He sank down immediately and cringed in the corner, seeing soldiers dressed in all too familiar uniforms swarming all over the camp grounds. Heero didn't know what to do, maybe if it were just one or two men he could do something, but there were too many! In a hushed but urgent whisper, he hissed at Faith. "Faith! No, be quiet!" He didn't know what to do, he wasn't sure! Crawling to the kitchen and into Cathy's room, the young man reached for the laptop on her bed and pulled it to the floor, the Japanese youth sitting in the corner to the side of the window. Faith sat by him, her ears pinned and a growl escaping her throat from time to time. Quickly doing as he had seen Cathrine do, he hoped that his brothers were there to answer his call.  
  
Quatre motioned for the others to rest, grabbing the laptop and accepting the incoming call. He was about to greet Heero warmly until he truly realized his panic and fear, then he knew that something wasn't right. "You guys, get up. Something's wrong." Then turning to Heero. "What is it Heero? What's happening?"  
  
Trembling, he motioned for the others that joined him to be quiet. "They're back and I don't know what to do. I'm scared Quatre. Cathy took Hilde and Sam to a safe place to stay, but the soldiers are here and they're wrecking everything. There are too many of them, I-I..."  
  
Trowa felt his anger rise at this, but he kept composed. "Heero, go ahead and stay quiet and keep hidden, the others know how to take care of themselves. We'll try and get there as fast as we can, just keep quiet and don't let anyone know you're there."  
  
Heero nodded but cringed further in the corner when he heard the door burst open, Faith running out of the room and barking and snarling madly. He only stayed where he was and listened to Faith yelp before she started barking again. 'Run away Faith, don't let them hurt you.'  
  
"Dumb mutt, get outta here..." called a voice moments before a gunshot echoed, Faith yelping loudly and whining.  
  
Heero wanted to go to her, but the others motioned for him to stay where he was. He was so scared and shaking so badly that he didn't know what to do, let alone do anything to really save himself. Watching the shadow of a tall man cross into his sister's room and spread over the floor, it held a gun, he could only sit and wait as the man entered the room. Hiding his face in his arms as he pulled his knees closer to his chest, he waited. 'Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see me,' he begged, hoping against everything that he would be invisible.  
  
Trowa and the others watched the screen, seeing Heero wait quietly before he was jerked into the air by the collar of his shirt, his eyes wide in sheer terror. He didn't speak, but continued to tremble as the man threw him out of the room, ignorant of the computer. Seconds later, Heero's voice echoed in the trailer walls.  
  
"No! You shot her! You shot my dog! Leave me alone! I don't know anything! Just leave us alone!" His cries were only laughed at as he backed away into the corner.  
  
"This is the Perfect Soldier? A pathetic little cry-baby?" The two soldiers laughed so hard that tears filled their eyes, the look of terror in the "Perfect Soldier's" eyes amusing to them.  
  
As the soldiers took his arms and pinned them sharply behind his back, he struggled to get away, hoping that someone would come to help him. "No! Let_me_go! Leave me alone!" Feeling the handcuffs once more on his arms, he hung his head and felt tears fill and fall from his Prussian eyes, these weren't just soldiers, but OZ soldiers none the less.  
  
"The rumors about you are by far over-exaggerated. The best Gundam Pilot of the five, taking down a whole brigade of soldiers on your own. That's bull shit."  
  
"I'm not a Gundam Pilot! I'm not the Perfect Soldier! Just leave me alone!" Struggling, he managed to get one of his arms out of their grasp, but a blinding white flashed before Heero's eyes as a pain abruptly overwhelmed him before he fell unconscious.  
  
Dropping the boy to the floor, the soldier looked about the rest of the trailer, finding nothing but the computer with a blank screen. Walking out into the main room again, he watched his comrade look through a small, leather-bound book. "What the hell are you doing? This isn't a time to read a book." Laughing slightly, he crossed to his side, kicking the limp form in the ribs and out of his way.  
  
The second soldier sneered. "Looks like his little dear diary." Laughing in scorn, he flipped through the few and feeble pages. Sighing, he continued. "Ah, we might be able to get something from this. Ooh look, just what I needed, a pretty silver pen. Come on, let's get this sad excuse for a pilot out of here. We've got the Cathrine girl but we haven't been able to find Hilde. They'll work better in her stead." Reaching down, he grabbed the boy by the collar of his shirt for he'd been turned on his side from the brutal kick, the older man only drug him out of the trailer and through the grass, tossing his form into the back of a covered truck with another soldier who'd watch him. Cathrine had already been put into the truck.  
  
Cathy looked at Heero, struggling to stand and get past her restraints but the other soldier just shoved her back into the corner. "No, Heero! Leave him alone you sick, sadistic bastards!" She watched the other soldier take a seat on the bench near the end of the truck, smirking. Crawling to her little brother's side, she picked him up and laid him on her lap, holding his shoulders and head in her arms. It was hard to do with the cuffs around her wrists, but she held his limp and unconscious form in her arms. Blood began to mat his hair in the back of his head, near his neck. Glaring coldly and viciously at the soldier, she began coo soft assurances in his ear and was careful to make sure she kept an eye on his breathing. It was ragged and shallow, blood slowly seeping from the side of his mouth and past his lips, down to his chin and down his neck by the way he was laying.  
  
While the others sat slightly shocked and confused, Trowa bit his lower lip and stared coldly at the screen. "We're leaving, now. Everything is ready in the shuttle, we're going to earth. I am so *fucking* tired of them messing everything up and hurting my family." His voice was icy and harsh, yet he quickly grabbed the computer and closed the connection, grabbing it and heading out of the hotel room and to the car. The others followed, their anger dancing like flames in their eyes as well. Each had turned from caring brother to soldier who knew nothing but death. Putting the car into drive, he sped down the street. They'd take the shuttle they came to space in, go to earth, and then get their friends back. If anything happened to his sister or Heero, someone was going to pay, dearly. 


	16. The Circus Destroyed

Groaning, Heero opened his eyes slowly and found that he laid on a cold, metal floor. Cathy laid unconscious on the other side of the room. Taking a deep breath and swallowing the lump in his throat, the young man forced himself to sit up. His ribs hurt and he grimaced, a soft but stifled cry escaping his lips as he pushed past it and crawled on his knees to his sister's side. His arms were still cuffed behind his back, though Cathy's weren't. "Sis? Sis please, wake up." His voice cracked slightly and he could feel tears begin to build in his eyes, but he called still, fear in his voice. "Cathy, please wake up. I'm scared Cathy, please..."  
  
Hearing her brother's voice drift to her ears, the young woman let her eyes flutter open and focus on his terrified form. "..H-Heero?"  
  
Smiling, he nodded but stopped at the pain in the back of his head, suddenly becoming dizzy as Cathy pushed herself off of the ground. Feeling her hands on his shoulder, he looked up to find her worried. "I-I'm scared Cathy. I don't want to be here..."  
  
Sitting on her knees, she put her arms over Heero's head and let him lean into her, holding him comfortingly. "It's okay to be scared, I won't let them hurt you if I can help it. I don't want to be here either, but your brothers will figure it out and come help us as soon as they can. Don't worry, shhh, it's okay." Resting her cheek on the top of his head, she felt him begin to tremble again.  
  
Taking a shaking breath, Heero spoke softly. "I heard the soldiers and I saw them outside when I was writing in my journal. I called my brothers just like I saw you do and they saw it, they know. I hope they come soon, I'm scared to be here." Closing his eyes, he inhaled his sister's perfume and felt himself calm somewhat. Yet, his eyes shot open when the door was opened and two soldiers walked in, a man and a woman. He was thrown quickly back into a state of panic and terror. Sinking in Cathy's embrace, he watched them approach him warily, the woman training her gun on him and the man reaching for him.  
  
"The feared 01? Ha! Get up you brat, you're coming with us..." Reaching down, he grabbed his upper arm and pulled him from the young woman, or tried.  
  
"Get away from him!" She yelled, her eyes filled with more contempt and hatred than ever could be seen even in Heero's eyes before that night. Holding him close, she felt him lean into her even more as she glared at the man, he'd dropped Heero's arm in astonishment.  
  
Somewhat taken by surprise, he quickly recovered and sneered. "What, your little girlfriend? You'll keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you bitch." Yanking 01 back and away from her, he hit her hard across the face, the blow tossing her back onto the floor. Dragging the screaming youth from the cell, they locked the door. "Shut the hell up kid."  
  
"No! Let me go! You hurt my sister! You hurt her! Leave me alone! Let me go!" Feeling a vice-like grip encircle his neck, a sharp pain spread over his body when his head was snapped back into the gundanium wall. He couldn't breathe again and opening his eyes slightly, he found that he was lifted and thrown against the wall, the soldier's hand cutting off his oxygen. He couldn't even feel the ground beneath him, his legs dangling as he tried to squirm from the man's grasp. Then he remembered those eyes, the same, dark brown, cold eyes. He was the man that'd first hurt Heero. His Prussian eyes were no longer tired and pained but now held utter terror.  
  
"Remember me you little bastard? Thought your friends had killed me and the others in the blast when the Octavia base was destroyed, didn't ya? Too bad, I was transfered out a day earlier. If you don't shut your fucking mouth and stop being a damn baby, I will punish you. Got it?" Dropping him to the floor, he only laughed when the teen began to curl into a ball, coughing and struggling to take in air as he groaned and whimpered softly.  
  
The older woman didn't delight in such activities as the officer next to her did. Even if he was an enemy. "Stop playing with the ass-hole and grab him, we are to take him into questioning and I'm not getting my ass chewed out because you want a damn reunion. Let's go."  
  
Pulling the boy up by the arm and forcing him to stand, he gripped Heero's shoulder tightly and made him walk before the soldier. The teen was quiet the rest of the time.  
  
§  
  
Trowa took one look at the fairgrounds and only stood in disbelief and disgust. The tent had been torn down, the animals were being rounded up with the circus members, animal trainers, and the local police. The stands, merchandise, and prizes lay strewn and soiled all over the ground. Near the remains of the tent sat the manager on a crate, Zita by his side and murmuring things to him. "No... this can't.... why?"  
  
Placing his hand on Trowa's shoulder, Quatre gave it a comforting squeeze. "It's okay Trowa, we'll help you." Looking at the others, the young Arabian helped to lead his friend over to the manager to see if he knew anything on where Heero was. "Duo, why don't you and Wufei go ahead and see if there's anything in the trailer."  
  
Looking around the once cheery place, Duo nodded. "Come on man, we'd better go." Running with the silent Wufei at his side, Duo burst into the trailer and looked around, calling for Cathy. Looking on the floor and following the trail of blood with his eyes, his jaw only dropped as he swallowed the lump in his throat and crossed over to the couch.  
  
Wufei bit his lower lip, casting his glance elsewhere. Faith laid on the couch, her eyes open but unmoving, her tongue lolling out of her slightly open mouth and blood dripping from it. The deep crimson pooled around her, staining the cushions as the hole in her chest had long since stopped bleeding. "No..." was his soft denial, watching Duo close the deceased animal's eyes.  
  
Bowing his head and resting his closed fist against his lips, he prayed on one knee and then opened his eyes and stood. Heero was in the trailer when Faith was shot, they'd heard by the yells, but he wasn't in there, by the looks of it, when his puppy passed on. "She's at peace, and they'll pay." His cobalt eyes turned from sadness and compassion to anger and hatred, the soldiers would pay all too well; for all the pain they caused. Every last ounce of it. Looking with Wufei throughout the rest of the trailer, he found it deserted and knew that OZ not only took Heero, but Cathy as well. She would have come back or tried to get in touch with them.  
  
"I-I'm sorry." His voice was shaky as Trowa looked down at the manager, his clenched fists relaxed in helplessness.  
  
"Trowa, we are a peaceful circus troupe, and I could have forgiven if you'd told me who you were. But to lie to us constantly and then continue to fight and put everyone, even your own sister in danger, without thinking? They came and took Cathrine and Heero, they said that they had one Gundam Pilot but were looking for you either way. And we could do nothing but watch this place be destroyed. Our lives destroyed." Sighing, he turned his back to Trowa and walked inside the wreckage that once stood as a circus tent for laughter and smiles. Now it was just a ruined mess.  
  
Shaking his head as if in a daze, Trowa watched him leave. Zita followed, sparing him a glare as if he'd done everything himself. This was the only family he'd ever really known besides his four brothers, and he'd just hurt them as well, by staying with the circus. "This wasn't supposed to happen, none of this was. You weren't supposed to be hurt, you were never meant to. I was supposed to take on the hardships of war so you'd all be safe...." Taking in shaking breaths, he swallowed and turned from a family that now shunned him for who he was. That was the reason they were his family, because he was a pilot and none of this would have happened had he not been a Gundam Pilot. He probably wouldn't have even lived this long. Hanging his head, he felt Quatre stop him but he averted his gaze.  
  
Quatre watched the pain in his brother's eyes, seeing the defeat and the hardships he'd faced before he ever become a Gundam Pilot flood his eyes again. "Trowa, it's okay. We'll make things right again and everything's going to be all right." Bending his head slightly to try and look up and catch Trowa's eyes, he smiled when he finally did and held his gaze. "Everything's going to be all right, they were just taken by surprise and are just as confused. Don't worry, things will work themselves out in time, they always do. We need to help Heero and your sister now, though. Besides, he promised us a show and I want to see it. Curiosity is truly getting the best of me." Laughing softly and getting a small grin from Trowa, he sighed and turned.  
  
"We should go and tell the others that there's no use, OZ took them already." With a sigh, he jogged with Quatre toward Cathy's trailer to find it a mess and Faith's still and unmoving body laying limp on the couch, blood surrounding her. Turning his eyes away from the unfortunate dog, he walked into his sister's room where Wufei and Duo stood. Entering, he found the laptop still on, and laying on the bed, neatly spread out, crisp, clean, and awaiting, was what must have been Heero's very own costume. The one he took so much pride in. With a saddened smirk, he turned from the other three pilots and took the laptop, sitting on the chair in the kitchenette.  
  
"Trowa?" Duo walked out of the room, speaking softly and compassionately.  
  
"They've hurt them for the last time, Heero, Cathy, my circus family, Faith, even the three of you. One time too many. I'm not going to let it happen again, ever." It was like he was enraged, but it only showed as a saddened and regretful tone. A tentative hand on his shoulder told him that Duo knew that feeling. "I'm shunned from here, they took my sister and brother, they killed Faith, and they destroyed my home. I guess..." he scanned through the OZ files but tried to do something to keep himself from erupting on his friend, "I guess that I should start looking for a new home to come back to after the war. It'll probably take me longer to find one."  
  
Wufei watched Trowa, knowing the same feeling all too well himself. Nowhere to belong, to go, to call home or a safe haven. It wasn't normally like him, but a lot of things had changed now. "You know you're more than welcome with any one of us after this war."  
  
Looking up, he was somewhat surprised to hear that from Wufei. "Thanks, I didn't know I'd ever be told such a thing from one like yourself Wufei, but thank you." Scanning, he found the nearest OZ base, an hour from where they were. "They wouldn't have had time to do much and would have taken him here, the Rodriguez base. Now just to find where they are, get in, then get them out."  
  
§ 


	17. Torture

Heero let his chin fall, his legs giving out as he choked and gagged, coughing up blood as he tried to breathe. Two men held his arms, one on each side, the third man stood before him. Heero was a human punching bag, the wind being knocked out of him again and again moments after he could finally take a breath. It was like the time he was sick and throwing up, only this was more painful and from time to time, he'd be hit across the face. Feeling his salty, helpless tears fall and roll down his cheeks, he doubled over in pain and nearly fell to the floor with the force of the next punch.  
  
"You're pathetic! How am I supposed to have fun if you just start crying and give up before we even start?! I was told you were the Perfect Soldier! I was looking forward to this!" With each punch, his words were stressed. Taking a step back and grinning, he looked at his subordinates. "Drop him, he's not going anywhere."  
  
Heero dropped to the metal floor harshly, wrapping his arms protectively around his ribs and curling into a ball as he shut his eyes tightly. Cathy couldn't help him and he knew and understood why, but he didn't want to have to face the pain alone. He didn't want to face it at all. The ex- pilot didn't even rebel when he was snatched up from the floor by the neck, his throat being crushed in the stronger man's hands. His eyes only searched, imploring the other for mercy.  
  
Sneering and searching the boy's eyes as he began to pale, his cheeks doing the opposite and flushing as he struggled for air, he spoke. "Where the hell are the others, huh? Where are the other four Gundam Pilots hiding?"  
  
Heero felt himself dropped again, a sharp pain ripping throughout his torso as his head hit the cold metal and snapped back. Closing his eyes, he coughed and gagged, struggling desperately to breath. "I-I don't know...." Coughing some more, he felt himself being dragged into the air by his arms and held up again.  
  
Cracking his knuckles, the man smirked. "Fine, something simple then to help your memory. What are the codes for the L-3 colony to access the hidden weapons within the ruins?"  
  
Taking in gasping yet pained breaths, he could feel pieces of his ribs move at odd angles within him with each breath, he swallowed and answered. "I don't know.... what you mean..." Groaning softly, he watched a blinding white flash before his eyes, then a bold red, yet he pushed back the oncoming darkness as he tried to breath again.  
  
"You learn better than to fuck with me kid, everyone always does. What the hell are the codes?" Sneering, he caught the boy's desperate gaze before he punched him in the abdomen, watching his body jerk to the movements as blood and spit dropped to the floor, his eyes wide in pain and torment. "Make it easy on yourself, what are the damn codes?!"  
  
Shaking his head, he struggled and finally took in a sharp breath, though it only caused him sheer agony. "I-I... don't... know. I'm not... a p- pilot.... I don't know... what y-you're talking.... talking about..." Feeling more tears fall from his eyes, he gave a soft cry as the OZ soldiers holding him only jerked him into standing up.  
  
"Don't fucking *play* with me *kid* unless you want to *die*!" Delivering the final blow, he watched as 01's head rested on his shoulder, his eyes closed and blood seeping from the corners of his lips. He'd fallen unconscious, a lot of help that would be. And this was supposed to be the great, Perfect Soldier? More like a big baby. A child was stronger than he was! "Take him to the cell, we'll have another little chat later." Turning, he grabbed his shirt and threw it on, putting on his jacket and hat before walking out into the halls. As an OZ soldier, you were meant to carry yourself in uniform with pride and respect, the uniform clean and crisp.  
  
§  
  
At first, she only nursed her bruised and stinging cheek, yet at hearing the jingling of keys, Cathy stood quickly and glared at the door; ready to fight anyone who came to take her away. And she'd fight when Heero came back, she wouldn't let them take him, not so easily. Forcing her discipline to remain as it was when she saw that Heero was unconscious as blood stained the front of his shirt and spilt slightly from his lips, she watched them without moving as they drug his limp body into the room by the neck of his shirt. They only dropped him to the floor, then left, laughing. A few seconds after the door was yanked shut, she rushed over to his side. "Heero!" Grabbing the pillow from the bed and the blanket, the young woman sat on the floor, laying Heero's head on the pillow on her lap, spreading the blanket over his pale and frozen body. His skin was literally icy to the touch, yet when she saw his flushed cheeks and checked his temperature, she found it to be soaring again. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Heero, I'm so sorry..." Blinking back her tears, Cathrine ripped part of her T-shirt sleeve and wiped the blood from her brother's lips, nursing the open cuts on his cheeks, all the while calling soft assurances and cooing gentle hopes in his deaf ears.  
  
Heero struggled to take in each tormenting breath, hearing a voice in the distance, yet it wasn't harsh or from what he could tell. Letting a pitiful groan escape his lips, he tried to move but something held him back. With trembling lips and a shaken voice, he called for mercy. "....p- ple-please...."  
  
Running her fingers down the side of his cheek and speaking quickly after a startling moment , she cooed softly in his ear. "Shhh, it's okay Heero, this is Cathy. You're safe now and here with me, it's okay. We're in the cell. Don't move, you're hurt. Go ahead and lay still and rest, shhh, it's okay." Gently brushing his bangs from his eyes, she watched them flutter open in a forced movement.  
  
Trying to focus his gaze, the young teen stared up into the face of his sister, smiling ever so slightly as he tried to speak. Taking another breath, all that was heard was a loud and pained groan escape his lips, he'd inhaled too much. ".... m-make the hurt... stop C-Cathy..."  
  
Biting her lower lip, the young woman watched him. "Did they hurt you again like they did before Heero?" She didn't really want to hear the answer to such a question, but she had to know to take care of him.  
  
Shaking his head though it left him light-headed, he forced a whisper. "... just... just hit me..."  
  
Letting her breath out, she but pursed her lips. "That's not good either, but it's better than what could have happened. I'm going to see where you're hurt little brother, just stay still, but I'm not sure if I can do much." Gently lifting the pillow, she slid her legs from under it and placed it on the floor, crawling on her knees to his left side and faced him, he'd already closed his eyes, one was swollen, black and purple bruises surrounding it in a circle, other bruises on his cheeks and chin, dark and ominous shapes on his neck. The bruises stood in the shape of a many fingered hand, probably from having been grabbed by the throat more than once. Pulling the blanket back and resting it at his waist, she slowly lifted the front of his shirt to find that his entire mid section, not including some of the rare, untouched portions, was covered in a large band of bruises. Biting her tongue, she delicately touched the bruised area near the bottom of his rib cage, pulling back hastily at his sharp inhale and tormented yet soft cry. By what she'd just felt, she knew that he had a few broken ribs. She'd actually felt a sharp piece of bone when she touched the irregular area and actually felt it shift. Turning to look back into his pleading eyes, she smiled sympathetically. "At the least, you seem to have a couple of broken ribs little brother. Don't worry, when your brothers get here, everything will be okay and we'll take you to see the doctor and he can make it go away. I can't tell if anything else is hurt inside of you, I know it hurts all over. Don't worry, they'll be here soon. Just rest." Tracing her fingers down the side of his right cheek, she avoided the bruises and watched him move instinctively to her comforting touch. Slowly, his eyes fell closed again after having shot open at her earlier touch over his ribs, his body somehow relaxing through the pain. He was so exhausted, and she knew it too. He had suffered so much alone, and yet he still continued to. Pulling the shirt back down and laying it softly over his stomach, she placed the blanket back over his shoulders and watched him fall to sleep in full. Cathy was actually surprised he could sleep through the pain, even if he was exhausted. Yet, Heero was always harder to understand, now or earlier or any other time.  
  
§ 


	18. The Two Found

Rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, Trowa released a disgusted and angered sigh. He'd broken into every OZ computer system they had or ever existed and he still couldn't find out where Cathrine and Heero were being held. Duo, Wufei, and Quatre had each tried it but worn themselves out as he was. That didn't matter, he was needed and he'd sacrifice everything to fulfill his mission, to his friends and family. Even if he had to give up his life in return.  
  
Yawning, Duo pushed himself off of the floor and looked up at Trowa who still continued to type away. The young pilot heard a break in the pulsing of keys and was somewhat confused and must have been disturbed, but his friend was right back at it in no time. "Anything?" He was hopeful, but the American teen knew by the exhaustion and impatience in his friend's unblinking and straining eyes that it wasn't looking good.  
  
Shaking his head, Trowa kept his eyes on the screen as he tried to get into the OZ surveillance systems. "Not yet, I haven't found anything in any of their systems and there isn't one remaining that I haven't broken into. I'm going to see if I can't get into the surveillance systems and find their room that way. Then from there, we can just track it and map the base. It's simple, just a long process." Yawning himself, he shook his head and blinked back the exhaustion.  
  
Duo rose from his seat, passing by the light-blue collar and matching, chain-link leash. Faith's body had been buried outside of the town, near a really pretty lake in a small valley where the sun touched the gentle grass and blooming wildflowers with its soft rays. Sighing, he watched over Trowa's shoulder as the other two slept on, his eyes scanning the pictures. "There!" He caught the shapes of two bodies in one of the prisoner's cells.  
  
With a smile, Trowa zoomed in and quickly tracked down the room and where it stood in the base. Yet, he was extremely worried by the expression on Cathy's face, it was saddened and forlorn. Heero lay on her floor, his body covered but the darkened areas on the black and white video showed that he sported many painful bruises and Cathy did sport one on her cheek. Gritting his teeth, he only took a deep breath. "When we track them down, and as soon as the others have gotten enough sleep, we'll infiltrate the base and get them out of there. Are you rested?" Looking up, he glanced over his shoulder at an angered Duo.  
  
"Yeah, you should try and get some. They are so going to pay for hurting them." The pilot's voice was low and hateful, yet calm.  
  
"Later. And they'll pay, after the others are out of there and safe. If you and Wufei can keep the others occupied, Quatre and I can get in and out with Cathy and Heero. It'll most likely be a full scale battle with the entire of the base after you, so you need to hold out for a while." Glancing back at the screen, he quickly memorized where the room was in the maze called a base. Looking back at the screen, he watched the door open and Cathy stand as a soldier entered.  
  
§  
  
Cathrine stood in front of Heero, he'd begun to stir and woke up due to a nightmare and she had tried to calm him. That's all they needed now, more soldiers. "Come to say sorry?" She sneered and her eyes filled with hatred burning like a wildfire.  
  
Smirking, the man only stood in front of her. "Well, cocky little bitch aren't we? Get the hell out of the way unless you want a matching bruise to go with the one I just gave you."  
  
"Fuck off ass-hole."  
  
Letting an evil grin crease his lips in full, he nodded. "Later, I plan to. Just as you said, and worse than you'll ever know...." He'd planned to have a little fun with the "Perfect Soldier" after his next interrogation. "Now move, or I'll move you myself. And it won't be gently."  
  
Glaring at him, she spit in his face and smirked. "You didn't say please."  
  
Without a second thought, he wiped the spit from his cheek and eye and hit her across the left side of her face, throwing her back to the ground. "Don't piss me off you little whore!"  
  
Cathy bit her tongue to keep from crying out and struggled to her knees, hearing Heero groan softly behind her. Taking a deep breath, she stood on shaky legs and faced him again. "That's right, I get paid for what I do..." Her eyes dared him but she crumbled to her knees again, coughing and sputtering as the wind was knocked out of her, it felt as if the soldier's hand continued to hit her in the stomach. But yet again, she pushed herself to her feet, bound to protect Heero.  
  
"You damn, mother-fucking, bitch! Get the hell out of my way now!" He watched the young woman stand with trouble, his eyes blazing with anger at her defiance. She was only a woman!  
  
"You didn't... say please.." She smirked but felt her body hit the floor moments after the hand contacted with her face, her head snapping back and bouncing off of the metal floor before it hit it again. Groaning softly on her back, she tried to stand as fast as possible but by the time she'd pushed herself into a sitting position, she could see that Heero hung in the hands of the soldier near the doorway.  
  
Listening to his raspy breaths grow shorter and he struggled more, the OZ soldier only continued to close his grip on Heero's throat as he held him against the frame of the door, off the ground. "Keep your sorry ass down you bitch or I'll snap his fucking neck right here and now. It's as easy as that." Crushing his throat completely, he grinned at her shocked and pleading look. All of her movements stopped and she sat back down. "Know your place girl and you'll live longer." Throwing 01's light and limp body to the other side of the hall and into the wall, he quickly closed the door and locked it.  
  
Heero coughed and felt tears begin to trickle from his already bloodshot eyes, feeling air fill his lungs and press harshly against his broken ribs. "Don't... hurt her..." Slowly opening his eyes and squinting against the light, he felt his shirt being pulled upward by the front and the rest of his body with it. The Japanese youth couldn't struggle against it, he didn't have the strength to do so. He only looked into the greedy eyes of the man and grew scared.  
  
"Yeah, we'll have a little fun tonight, after all this other shit is done and they find out what makes you so different from the others." Not really caring much and it'd take too long to make 01 walk, he gripped the front of his shirt tighter and let his arm hang as he held the cloth, dragging the barely conscious boy along.  
  
§  
  
Trowa watched the screen, clenching his fists so that his knuckles were pure white. That soldier had just stricken his sister three times and was not only going to hurt Heero, but did and nearly killed him or could and would have. "That is it damn it. Quatre, Wufei, get up now. You've had enough time to rest and we're going into battle."  
  
Duo knew that they had to do something to get Cathy and Heero out of there, they were getting hurt and not one ounce of pity was shown to either. But they couldn't just rush in without risking their friends' lives in the process. "Trowa, I know you wanna go and get them out of there and stop anything from happening to them, but if we rush in there like Heero used to, I've learned. You can make more trouble than good. Take it easy." He ignored the others as they woke up.  
  
Trowa stared back at Duo, having closed the laptop and now his eyes held contempt. "Duo, I know that man. And by the look in Heero's eyes, he did too. He's one of the ones that hurt him in the first place. Truly hurt him. If we don't get him out of there now, Heero will have to go through it again and Cathy could even have to live it. I swore I wouldn't let it happen again, and I won't. If we don't go now and do it later, there won't be a Heero to bring back with us, not alive. He can't keep living through that and he wasn't even struggling, you saw it for yourself. He doesn't have the strength, will, or hope to keep going. He'll die. Either help me or get out of my way, I'm going with or without you."  
  
Wufei stood, hearing what was said and knew that Heero and Cathy had been found, yet things didn't seem to be going too well. "Trowa, just wait a minute. We're coming and you know better, but if you don't settle a little bit, Heero could still die either way. Look what happened with that last mission and the messy escape. If we have a messy entrance, none of us will ever make it to escape. Not alive."  
  
Quatre stood, he was tired yet his will and strength flared when he heard his friends speak. "We need to slow down a little bit, but yes, we also need to get there. Heero won't make it through this unless we help him and we don't want to be too late."  
  
§ 


	19. Heero's Hell

WARNING!!!! This chapter is R rated later on and very detailed in content, if you're not ready to read such things, because Heero relives his entire experience unwilling again, then stop when you see this sentence: "Slowly coming around, Heero forced his eyes open, his right eye only opening partially because it was swollen." I'll make sure you know when, this is your warning, so you can't hold me accountable for your reading...  
  
  
  
Squinting against the bright light that towered above him, Heero shivered from the cold table beneath his body. He had fallen unconscious it seemed on the way to the new room and he woke up with the harsh light glaring down at him, realizing that he was also missing his shirt and he laid on the cold, metal slab. Groaning softly, he listened to voices float to his ears, yet he couldn't make out the words. He was so tired, yet he had to get out of there, he had a very bad feeling. Struggling to move, he realized that leather straps bound his legs, wrists, shoulders, head, and waist. He couldn't move, he couldn't get free. ".... let me go..."  
  
The doctor came back over to the table, putting on his mask and looking down at the boy. This one boy had intrigued everyone, the one they called the Perfect Soldier. What made him so different? That's what they were about to find out. "Think of yourself as lucky you little brat, you've managed to spark my curiosity as to why you're so different from the others. Why you're called, "The Perfect Soldier"." Taking a small scalpel in hand, he smirked at the terror in the youth's eyes when he caught sight of it.  
  
"D-don't hurt... me... I-I'm not.... a soldier...." Tiredly, he tired again to break free of his restraints but to no avail. He had caught the glint of the blade and he didn't feel anything yet. Not even the prick of a needle or the effects of a drug to put him to sleep. No, they were going to do this when he was awake and make him live through every moment of pain.  
  
Snorting softly, the doctor nodded to his assistant and grinned. "Sure, whatever. Let's go ahead and proceed in making the incision." Placing his hand on the youth's chest and holding the sharp tool as a pencil, he began to make the cut and felt his body jerk upwards as a cry escaped his throat.  
  
Heero felt the blade enter his body, it felt like fire. Feeling his voice cry out, his body pulled against the leather straps as he struggled with more vigor as his body arched upward and made the restraints taut. The blade left a trail of fire down his stomach from his chest, down to his waist as he felt curious and prodding hands enter his body, searching, their eyes looking. He wasn't any different! Why didn't they see that?! He wasn't the "Perfect Soldier" and he was in so much pain! "... stop! please... stop it..." Crying out against the torment, he could feel the agony of the alienated hands picking at his insides, never needing to be there in the first place. It was like a liquid poured from his new wound, spilling over the sides of his abdomen and soaking the table, falling onto the floor as he struggled again and again.  
  
The doctor continued with his observation of the Japanese youth's insides, yet what he found astonished him. "He's just like any normal human, nothing different biologically from that of you or I, his physical make-up of the body is the same as well. Interesting, I don't think anyone else has ever seen him suffer though. Inside, he is just as weak as we are and just as vulnerable, and yet he makes the rest of mankind think and fear that he is immortal. Hmph, he's bleeding surprisingly heavy when he's awake though, more than a normal person would and I was told he was immune to pain. Yet he's panicking and struggling now. Odd, are you sure this is 01?"  
  
The assistant nodded, having looked at his records that OZ had of him and all the data. "This is 01, the Perfect Soldier. With any other pain endurance tests though, the observers wrote that he hadn't even noticed it, or so it seemed. Yet now, he's screaming and struggling."  
  
Smirking, the doctor withdrew his hand and looked at 01, having been convinced that his bodily make-up was that of any teenage boy, or of any human. Not like a mutant or a science experiment where his DNA codes may have been tampered with. He was just a normal human. Medical wise, that was true. The only thing different were the pieces of broken bone and chipped rib bones, though by the bruises on his chest it made sense that that was from the interrogation.  
  
Feeling his strength and energy drain, along with his life force, Heero stopped struggling as much. He only whimpered and groaned as his body lay still on the table, tears running from his eyes yet he couldn't wipe them away. He was in so much pain, he just wanted it all to end. Panting, the once great pilot felt sweat begin to roll off his face, mingling with tears as blood continued to seep from the incision. Looking about with frightened, Prussian orbs, he waited to see his brothers burst through the door and help him. Yet he screamed and cried out again when he felt the needle enter his skin as they prepared to stitch up the cut.  
  
Biting his lower lip and sighing heavily, the doctor put the needle down. "You know kid, I'm getting really tired of your crying and being a baby. You're supposed to be the Perfect Soldier? Sure, sure..." Taking the scalpel in hand once more, he stood above Heero and looked down into his pale face, his cheeks deeply flushed. "You either shut up now or I'll shut you up permanently."  
  
Heero struggled, squinting up against the light and looking at the doctor's covered face. All he could see were cold eyes staring back at him. Yet, he couldn't stop his cries of pain as he felt the other start to stitch up his wound. Not only was his body bruised there, but was cut open and now was being sutured with an needle and thread that pulled the skin harshly back together. He couldn't help it! It hurt so badly and he couldn't stop the pain, he just wanted it all to end!  
  
"Fine, I'll make sure you don't make another sound..." Taking the small blade and placing the tip just above his throat, near the chest cavity and between the shoulders, he inserted the tip into his voice box and sliced through the vocal chords. His screams were momentary as they became wispy and airy, yet they were still heard. The older man would just destroy the voice box completely and then he wouldn't have to listen to him whine.  
  
Heero couldn't cry out anymore, he couldn't scream! He endured the pain, tears flowing faster from his eyes as his fists clenched and his body arched, all the while he tried to break free. But it was no use, he was made to endure the entire thing. Gasping and panting, he heard the doctor call to his assistant that they'd have to stitch his throat as well, but the words were distant as the Japanese youth began to fall into a state of exhausted unconsciousness. Soon, he knew nothing.  
  
§  
  
(WARNING!!!!!! STOP NOW OR READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Slowly coming around, Heero forced his eyes open, his right eye only opening partially because it was swollen. He had no clue to where he was, he was just so tired. Yet, the familiar coils digging into his back and the sudden iciness around his ankles and wrists told him that the worst part of this nightmare was just coming true. He was in another small, dark room, and again he couldn't feel his clothes. He also tasted the familiar cloth shoved in his mouth, not being able to push it out or do anything. "No, please, anything but this again! Don't let them hurt me, dear God, please help me.'  
  
Breathing rapidly, the young man struggled to the best of his abilities against his restraints, yet he was too tired and panicky to be able to escape anything. The sound of echoing footsteps on the steel floor just outside the door made his heart pound brutally against his chest.  
  
Opening the door, the older man walked in and shut it behind him with a smirk. This would be so much fun, a nice little welcoming for the little whore. Stripping off his shirt and keeping his eyes on the panicking child, he sneered. "Impatient, aren't we?"  
  
Heero shook his head vigorously, he wanted the man to just go away! Looking away, he felt tears enter and stream from his eyes. He didn't want to feel it all over again, he didn't want to go through it all over again. Where were the others at? Why hadn't they come? They knew!  
  
Feeling the bed sag under the weight of the second man, Heero tried to scream out in agony when the pain from the incision was amplified due to the soldier's weight. That, and the pain from the long interrogation. He knew his voice wouldn't work, the Japanese youth had felt it leave him and the doctors had said that it'd never return.  
  
Then it all started over again, the sick and unwanted feeling of the hard, stiff shaft against his body while his legs were forced open further, the other settling himself within his hips. Slowly the soldier started, placing his hands on the boy's shoulders and firmly kneading them with his palms and digging his fingers into his back. The sharp pains of something being forced inside of Heero's body made him arch unnaturally, trying to pull away but only managing in letting the man enter his body faster and easier. Heero tried to force him from his body, closing himself but he couldn't really rebel with the lack of strength.  
  
The soldier closed his eyes, feeling the boy's smaller form beneath him but to him, it wasn't a stupid boy who was taken prisoner, it was his satisfaction. Grunting when the boy closed himself and he felt a pain shoot through his hips, he drove on further and harder, feeling the other made to relax as he forced himself deeper into the boy's body. It was just another street whore who sold her body for money while he got pleasure. Letting himself pretend it was just another woman, he began to pump harder and faster, his manhood entering into the body beneath him in full and growing larger with a burning fire, yet a welcome pain. Sliding his hands along the struggling body, he kissed the boy's neck and began to trace his path along his chest. He didn't even realized him as a boy now, only the strange scent of lilac that lingered drew him closer. He'd caught the scent when in the cell with the other woman, before he'd struck her down.  
  
Heero tried to pull away, no longer being able to see through the tears that flowed in oceans down from his eyes, the horrible feeling of the man's mouth and tongue tracing along his body, from his neck to his shoulders to his stomach. He hated every last part of it, no he loathed it! The pain that he'd endured the entire of the time increased, sending wave after fresh and torturous wave of agony racing through his veins. His hands, greedy and wanting, touched his body in many different and unwelcome places, finally grabbing him and forcing his body upwards as his arms circled his waist. The large, stiff, manhood of the other forcing its way ruthlessly into his body, his weight crushing Heero's lean form. And he felt the other man push harder and faster, thrusting himself into Heero as he sank deeper between his thighs. He could feel himself wanting to scream again and again as he had before to release his pain, each time the other man entering his body more and with a wild cruelty. The man's palms crushed his shoulders, his fingers digging into Heero's muscles and seeming to turn the bones into powder beneath them as he forced Heero down. The youth couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he could only feel the agony, tears flowing from his eyes as the laughter of the other filled is ears, his mouth still tracing paths over his unwilling body. The youth's body was thrust about and forced to arch with the other man before he crushed him into the mattress again, the sharp coils digging into his skin and muscles. And still it continued, the other seeming to grow and swell inside of Heero as he felt a searing pain rip throughout his entire body. Arching higher in pain, he clenched his fists and tried to scream, the ultimate hell and torment coursing through his veins. *And still* the other man pumped harder and faster, bringing Heero's body up and his back arching unnaturally as he was pulled against the handcuffs. The greedy hands still forced him upwards as the man entered and pulled from his body, forcing himself inside, further and further each time. Still he cried and prayed for help as the other continued, forcing himself into Heero's body, grinding his smaller form further and further into the bed and forcing him to take it.  
  
There was no way that Heero could hold on any longer as he felt blood begin to spill over his stomach, the stitches brutally being torn from his skin. Closing his eyes and relaxing his hands, he just let his hope diminish as he tried to give up, his body falling limp. Taking another ragged breath, Heero slowly opened his eyes but when he did, there were others in the room with him, a young man and woman along with others just about his age. Each had a softly glowing, golden aura around them, their eyes soft and kind yet sympathetic. Two teenage boys sat on either side of him, taking one of his hands in each of theirs and giving him strength. Were these the angels that Duo told him about? The ones that were watching over him and taking away most of his pain so that he didn't have to feel it; the ones who were strong for him? Feeling the pain begin to disappear, even if the soldier still pushed himself further and harder within his body, Heero let his head lay upon his right shoulder and let the angels be strong for him, he was so tired and only gave up. The large, booming sounds that echoed throughout the base didn't bother him, nor did it seem to bother the soldier.  
  
Quatre weaved his way quickly within the base corridors, searching desperately for the room where Heero had been taken. He and Trowa had infiltrated the base while Duo and Wufei started a battle, and this was full-scale indeed. They'd found the cell but Heero had never returned to it, Cathy only lay on the floor and barely conscious at that while tears streamed from her eyes. Trowa was helping her out now and it was his mission to find Heero and bring him back, alive, before anything truly happened to him. Yet, when searching Heero's mind, he could feel his fear, helplessness, pain, and exhaustion. Something told him that he was too late to stop his friend from having to relive the pain, but he wasn't too late to stop it from continuing in full.  
  
Feeling his release coming, the soldier pushed harder and groaned louder, forcing himself deeply within the boy's body. Leaning his head down again, he groaned as he suckled on the boy's neck, biting it and kissing his way to his throat. He was just another pleasure toy, like any other woman and the boy only pulled slightly away, not really struggling. He was too far into the climax to care much that the boy now bled from his wound and it was on his body as well. Giving a final moan of pleasure, he felt his release come but the boy no longer struggled beneath him. Slowly, the sound of explosions came to him and he knew that if anything, the other Gundam Pilots had come for their little friend. Well, when they were captured, he have just as much fun turning them into his little pleasure toys while he showed them what a real man was. Tiredly, he pulled his swollen shaft from the boy's limp body and stood; snagging up the sheet, using it to wipe the blood from his chest and lower body. Pulling on his pants and briefs, he heard a shot fired and took up his gun, not bothering with his shirt. He only aimed it at "The Perfect Soldier's" head, placing his finger on the trigger.  
  
Throwing the door open, Quatre focused his aim quickly on the soldier, but his eyes shot to the bed and he had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming out. Heero's deathly pale form was thin and lean, his entire body covered in bruises as blood slowly oozed from a wound in his chest and from beneath him. The deep red liquid ran from his wrists and ankles down his arms and legs as well, his chest rising and falling in short, shallow gasps. With a burning hatred, Quatre wanted to kill someone this time, without remorse or regret. "How could you do that to him?! You are truly a sick bastard."  
  
Sneering, the older man replied. "I didn't hear him complain. And you'll know what it feels like too, when you're captured and are too ignorant to give us the information that we want. We get what we want from you, either way, and this was just a little welcoming for the damned whore, that was playing nice. And I suggest that you put that damn gun down right now unless you want me to put a bullet into him and blow his fucking brains out."  
  
Gritting his teeth, Quatre slowly lowered his gun. There wasn't anything he could do now for Heero, he only hoped that Trowa came back and hurried. Not hesitating when the sound of another shot echoed within the room, the young Arabian raised his gun again and locked target quickly, shooting the soldier in the chest and collapsing him to the floor after the gun was shot from his hand. Turning quickly, he noticed Trowa across the room, his gun raised as well and hatred burning in his eyes. Walking over to the soldier who struggled to breathe, let alone get up, he took aim once more. "I hate to kill, but I won't have one regret about ending your life after all the hell you put my brother through, and I can only begin to imagine his pain. This is for anyone else you ever hurt as well, and for all those who've ever been hurt like this. You're a sick bastard and won't be missed." Pulling the trigger, he shot the soldier in the head and turned from his body, sitting next to Heero's side. Gently placing his hand on Heero's left shoulder, he looked into his pale and bruised face, his brother's eyes turned from him.  
  
Trowa took one look in the room and dropped his arms, he knew that Heero had had to go through the pain again, but seeing him like that, it was worse than hearing the screams and seeing the torment in the faces of his victims. "Oh God..." Walking in slowly, he stood at the foot of the bed, taking one of the blankets that had been thrown back and gently covering his friend's fully exposed frame.  
  
Swallowing the lump in his throat, the young aristocrat spoke softly. "Heero? Come on, it's okay now. He's not going to hurt you any more. We're here now, we've come to take you home. Heero, please..."  
  
Hearing the voices drift to his ears, he felt his heart lighten with hope. It was Quatre, his brothers had come. With great effort, he forced his eyes open and slowly turned his head, though his right eye was swollen shut. Looking into his bright blue eyes, he knew that he was safe now.  
  
Inhaling sharply, Quatre bit his tongue and forced a smile. "There we go... we're going to take you home now..." Nodding, he turned to Trowa as his other friend began to pick the handcuff locks. With delicate fingers, the young platinum blonde gently undid the tied cloth and pulled it from Heero's mouth as he took in short, gasping breaths. Watching Trowa finish, he spoke to his brother again. "We're sorry Heero, we tried to come as fast as we could. But we're going to take you home now and when you're better, we'd still love to see your show. The one you worked so hard on with Zita." Standing, he took his gun in hand as Trowa slowly and gently raised Heero in his arms, cradling him and wrapping the blanket around his ice cold and exposed form. Yet something caught his eye, and kneeling by the body of the deceased soldier, he took Heero's journal and pen from his pocket.  
  
Trowa watched Quatre for a minute, then looked with disgust at the bed that was now covered in blood patches and other bits of aftermath from the rape. With saddened emerald eyes, he looked down at the light, battered, and violated form of his brother as he leaned into him, his eyes closing as he fell into the call of exhaustion. "Let's get out of here Quatre, let's take him home for good."  
  
Nodding, Quatre left without guilt for having taken the life of that man, that soulless and heartless bastard who could do such a thing. "It's okay now Heero, we'll take care of you..."  
  
§ 


	20. Escape

Groaning, Duo pushed Deathscythe Hell faster and took down another five mobile suits, hoping that since it was taking this long for Trowa and Quatre to get Heero and Cathy out of the base, that things weren't going too badly. They had no reason to be this late or take this long, and he and Wufei were having trouble holding it on their own. He knew now how the others felt when he'd first gone to help Heero escape. Only then, they had three gundams fighting, now there were just two. "Ya know.... if they're doing this to prove a point.... then I got it. I was slow in gettin' Heero out.... but this just sucks..."  
  
"Stop whining Maxwell, just keep them from winning." Breathing slightly heavily, he forced Nataku to keep battling and dodging, quickly taking down another three dolls. He was getting fairly worried himself with the prolonged wait. Ears picking up the familiar voice, Wufei listened to Trowa's update on his intercom, a grin pulling at his lips. "If you bother to take any longer in your missions, we might as well just give up now..."  
  
Trowa listened through his headset, running behind Quatre as they made their way toward the escape and protectively cradling his friend in his arms. "We had a little trouble Wufei, get ready to secure the escape, then I'll grab Heavyarms and demolish this damned place once and for all. Heero's been severely injured so I'll need you and Duo to watched out for Quatre and Sandrock when they leave, Cathy will be with them too."  
  
Duo listened to his friend's voice, hearing a round of gunfire being exchanged and fearing for his friends but he kept battling. "Can do, you guys okay there?"  
  
Receiving Quatre's nod but frowning slightly at the blood that began to soak the shirt over his upper arm, Trowa continued. "Nothing we can't handle. Duo, get to the exit now because we're almost there and if anything does happen, Heero might not make it through this."  
  
Biting his lower lip, Wufei took care of the doll that the young American was preoccupied with and made sure that he made it quickly to the exit. "What did they do to him?"  
  
Bursting through the door and smiling at seeing Deathscythe Hell guarding the escape jeep with his shields open, he sighed and watched Quatre jump into the back before he gently handed over his friend. Cathy lay, barely conscious herself, in the front passenger seat. "We were too late to stop it from happening again, but we got there in time to give him enough hope to keep fighting for life. Right now though, he needs to get to the hospital." Shifting the jeep in gear, he sped from the base and toward the distance where the other two gundams awaited.  
  
Cursing inwardly, Wufei felt his need for battle renewed and fought with a great strength, fueled by his fury for what had had to happen again to Heero. He knew that life wasn't fair, but this was just down-right pathetic. "Then Duo, you help Quatre and Sandrock get out of here and Trowa and I can take care of the base. Protect them with your life Maxwell or I swear..."  
  
"I got it Wufei, don't worry man. Nothin's goin' to happen to them, I promise." Smiling, he was surprised to see the warrior taking to another in such a way. Ironically it was to Heero, but things had changed. Looking over Deathscythe's shoulder, he saw that Quatre and Sandrock were ready, Heavyarms moving with Trowa towards Wufei and taking down suit after suit. "You guys take care, we'll meet ya at the hospital, the both of ya." Kicking off and into the air, he flew backwards and kept his eyes on the battle, turning and staying close to Quatre and guarding him after they were out of firing range.  
  
§  
  
Sighing deeply, Quatre leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes to the light of the hospital corridors. He and Duo had been there for a while, Cathy was sleeping in the next room and Heero was still being tended to. Trowa and Wufei arrived only an hour before and both were exhausted, but extremely worried. "This wasn't supposed to have happened again..." Rubbing softly around the area where he'd been hit with another bullet, he felt his sore arm tense under the movement.  
  
Nodding, Trowa looked back over to his friend. "Some things should never happen, but sadly enough, they do all the time."  
  
Looking at the door again to Heero's room, Duo gave a soft growl and stood. "God, how much longer does it seriously take!? If they're planning on pissing me off, they've done a good job!" "Sit down baka, they're making sure our watashi no otoko is okay, he's suffered a lot. I will tie you to that chair and gag you Maxwell, don't think I'm joking." Wufei called as he laid his head in his hands.  
  
Each of the boys ceased their talking though and jumped up, eyes alert and their minds ready for anything as the doctor exited the room.  
  
"How's he doing?" Duo asked softly, looking past the older woman and into the room. Heero lay on the bed, IV's running into his arms as his chest rose and fell with deep breaths, each from the respirator. The swelling around his eye and his cheeks had gone down drastically, leaving only a visible bruise that would last for a while yet. His arms, that were visible from under the blanket, were wrapped all the way up to his elbows, or so he could tell. The same white wrap was bandaged around his throat. Biting his tongue, Duo turned back to face the doctor.  
  
Taking in a deep breath herself, the older woman began. "There are large areas of extensive bruises covering his body, though most are seen around his mid abdomen area and the lower waist. He has four broken ribs and two more are fractured. By the looks of it, they're almost all bruised as well, so there wasn't much of a need to count. There was quite a loss of blood from the previously made and poorly stitched incision, but he also bled from fairly extensive internal damage done to the anal area. There was also great bruising done to the waist and penile area. That, and semen that was left by the other man from the rape. Sadly, it's not uncommon to get rape victims in here, and it's not only the females that are raped and males aren't always raped by women either. There were deep cuts in his wrists and ankles which will leave rather visible scars, but it didn't damage any of the veins that greatly so he didn't lose a lot of blood and it didn't ruin the ligaments just above the heels so he'll be able to walk without problem after he heals." Looking at the shock and despair in their eyes, she continued with her diagnosis, receiving even greater shocked looks that she still had more to tell. "There was fairly good scarring in his shoulders and neck along with yet more bruising and he'll be rather reluctant to move too much or use his arms, the muscle was somewhat damaged too. Yet other than also being greatly dehydrated, undernourished, and extremely exhausted, we couldn't find anything else."  
  
Duo didn't even bother to close his mouth, for after the first couple of diagnostics, he was just shocked. All that? "Holy shit..." Turning his eyes to Heero again, he swallowed and bit his lower lip. His little buddy had to go through all that alone, and that was just the medical terms talking. He can't even begin to imagine what hell Heero had actually experienced.  
  
Wufei nodded solemnly, turning from the doctor and looking at the others. "For once Duo, I agree. And that's all you found?"  
  
Quatre watched her look back at her clipboard and think, he knew it couldn't be all. "Oh dearest God, what'd we let happen to him?"  
  
Trowa remained silent, closing his eyes and holding his little brother's journal in his hands tightly. He'd let that happen, everything. To his sister, he'd let her get beaten and then yet she received more when they were on their way to the base, and everything that had happened to Heero, it was his fault. Then to add to all that, everything he let happen to the circus and the rest of his family. Family, such a void word to use then and there. They shunned him now, they surly wouldn't call him a son or brother. Not any longer, nor would they take a second to rethink their feelings. "There's something you sound like you're forgetting."  
  
Letting the diagnosis come to her, she scanned over her charts and nodded. "Yes, I missed one more thing. There was also a sloppy incision made to his lower throat, yet they knew where they were aiming. By the way it was cut, your brother won't be able to use his voice or speak again, not verbally. His vocal chords were destroyed and if it had been a clean cut, they may have healed back together but not now."  
  
"Can we go in now?" The American's voice was hopeful yet his eyes were depressed and forlorn.  
  
"You can, he won't be waking up for a while though, that I can assure you."  
  
Sighing, Quatre gently pushed past the doctor and headed into the room, sitting quietly and faithfully by Heero's side. "We're going to take care of you now, it's okay, we're here now..."  
  
§ 


	21. Reflections

Looking at the others, Wufei sat quietly. Quatre had fallen asleep leaning against Heero's bed, Duo in the corner, and Trowa letting his sister lean against him. Cathy had woken up and was greatly saddened by everything Heero went through, but after much assuring, she finally admitted that she did all she could and it wasn't her fault.  
  
Gently taking the journal in his hands, Wufei looked at the leather cover and the golden patterns for each of their animals. Cathy had said that Heero had told her that if anything ever happened to him, that they were to read it and use it. Even if it was something like this. Well, Heero would be well to use it and he didn't want to invade his little brother's privacy, yet something told him that he was meant to know everything the Japanese youth went through. With a sigh, the young warrior took a seat and opened it to the first page, reading the dedication and prophet-like meanings for each animal, then turned to the first page of the journal. The writing was neat and cursive, he'd taken a lot of time to use it and make things just right. Smirking, he started.  
  
"§May15, 195 AC §  
  
§Hi, this is the first time I get to write in you, and Cathy says that I can say whatever I want in here and everything that happened during the day. I can say whatever I feel and think and do each day.  
  
I still feel sad my friends left, I miss them and when they left, Sis let me hide and cry and she told me that they would come back, just fine. I know she's right, but I still miss them and Faith isn't as happy either. She doesn't want to play with me and she whines a little bit at the door sometimes, but I tell her they are going to come back in a little while and she just lays down and sleeps. I don't want anything to happen to them, because they're fighting the war and they have to kill other people so they come home.  
  
Today, I helped Cathy feed the animals, I saw the big lion they call Lerado, the bears and elephants, and the tigers. Enchantress remembered me after she sniffed my hand a couple of times, then she let me pet her and Zita said that she was strong enough to ride like she did. Chant laid down and she let me climb on her back, and I held her fur tight and closed my eyes, but Zita told her to circle and she did in a really big area, letting me rider her and running really fast. I felt like I was in Zero again, I was free. The manager said that maybe, I could help train the animals and help Zita with her shows, maybe I could be in one!  
  
The manager is nice and he says that he's glad I am staying with Cathy, then he laughed and asked Cathy how many brothers she did have. Cathy said she didn't know but she guessed a lot, and she helped them when she could and that they helped her and the circus in return, but I wasn't sure why they were laughing so much.  
  
I don't really know what else to say, it's getting late and Cathy is tired. She just got done with another show. She said that I could send a letter to the others tonight, but I had to do it before she fell asleep, because I don't really know how.  
  
Cathy says that if I want to, I have to send them a letter now because she was going to go to sleep soon and that I had to too, it is getting really late."  
  
Laughing softly, he only shook his head. Heero and Faith had missed them, and he remembered the letter well. Sighing, he knew that Heero was going to be hurt when he heard about Faith, he'd grown ever-so attached to the poor thing. Turning the page, he continued to read.  
  
"§June 8, 195 AC §  
  
§I remembered this time, before, I was too tired from talking to my brothers that I didn't have the energy to write anymore for a while. I've been sleeping most of the time. It was my brothers that called, I'm glad they're all right but Trowa hurt his arm. He says it is just bruised up and hurts a little, but he'll be okay and I believe him.  
  
My fever is finally gone and Cathy says that I can use the quilt again, I was so cold. She let me use hers too and now I'm warm but my stomach still hurts a little bit. That's okay, Cathy lets me watch TV when I'm awake and sleep the rest of the time, I eat a little bit and drink a little bit, but not too much because when my stomach starts to feel sick, I stop so I don't throw up.  
  
My brothers sent me more letters, they said that they hoped I was getting better and that I was getting my rest. They had to move again, but they weren't going to be too close by. They were going to space, they'd stay at Quatre's home for a while. Everyone would be safe and they could call almost all the time. They said that they were getting tired of fighting, most of the time, that's all they did and they got even more tired. They don't get a lot of sleep and when they try, it gets hard to. I feel sorry for them, cause I'm sleeping all the time and I don't have to fight. But they say they're glad for me and they're trying to stop the fighting really soon. I hope so. I said that when I got better, I would practice with Zita a whole lot and we'd make a show, then they had to come back and see it for the first time. They all said they would and now we just have to make one up. That's okay, Zita says she has an idea though."  
  
Wufei remembered this day, he remembered the entire time. It was really interesting to try and battle with only about two hours of sleep at most. Quatre had given them all a big scare when they'd landed after the retreat, the bleeding was heavy and he fell into shock and they lost his pulse for a few minutes, but the strong and determined youth came back to them and healed surprisingly fast.  
  
"§ June 19, 195 AC §  
  
§ We just got to the new circus area, it's right next to the OZ base. Cathy says that they'll never know I'm here, so there was nothing to worry about. I don't know, but Faith knows we're here and she doesn't like it. She'll jump up and look out the window and bark at people who go by until I call her to come and lay with me. Cathy lets me watch tv and rest, I don't feel like doing anything else. She tries to get me to eat, but I don't want to, thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Sometimes I eat, but a lot of the time, I just drink water.  
  
The first show is tonight and Cathy is practicing and she'll be gone for a long time, but that's okay. I'll be okay by myself and Faith is with me too.  
  
The others called again this morning, I tried to talk to them but got too tired and fell asleep. They said they're really worried about me, they say I shouldn't be this tired all the time, not for all this long. But I told them that it was okay and I was just trying to get better. I don't think they believed me. I don't know what's wrong, I wish I did. Faith wants to play now, she really does but I can't play with her and she just whines. She won't play when all the people are here though, she knows how to be quiet.  
  
Cathy says if I am still really tired later, she's going to take me to the hospital, She says she's getting worried too and the others said it was good idea. They said just in case. They don't want anything to happen to me and if it's making them that scared, it makes me scared too. I don't know what's wrong and I don't want to die or anything. I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be all alone. I'm scared of leaving my family and going away. I don't know if I'll ever see them again if I die. If I do die, I hope that someone will read this. That they'll keep it and use it for me. If I die, then I want Faith to stay with my brothers and Wing Zero too. I don't have anything else of mine, so there's nothing else to give to them. I know we all die one day, I just don't want to right now. But if I die, I want to die with my family, and for them to bury me in a really pretty spot in the forest. I like the forest, it's really peaceful and pretty, I hope with a lot of flowers like Miss Relena has, they're so pretty. Especially in the morning time. I'll have to ask Cathy what happens when you die.  
  
I've got a really bad feeling something is going to happen, and it's going to hurt and be bad, but I don't know what or who or when. I just know, something bad is going to happen to me. I hope not, but in case so, I need to ask Cathy about dying and if I do, tell her to read this for me and have my brothers share and use it.  
  
I'm getting so tired again, so I'm just going to go ahead and rest for a little bit. I just have to wake up before Cathy comes back."  
  
Pursing his lips, Wufei released a deep breath. They'd all been scared for Heero, it wasn't natural for him to sleep so much and like that, he didn't look the greatest either at that time. Yet, this was now proof, even Heero could get scared and feared dying. Most seemed to think him immortal, as the Perfect Soldier anyways, but he's just like everyone else, with his own fears, hopes, dreams, virtues, loyalties, and uncertainties. Looking over his still and fragile form, Wufei swallow and pushed the burning hatred for those who did this to him back down within himself and felt pity, compassion, and a protective nature overtake him.  
  
"§ June 20, 195 AC §  
  
§ I'm in the hospital now. I fell asleep and Cathy had a lot of trouble trying to wake me up. I'm not sure what is wrong an no one else is. She only closed her eyes and didn't look at me when I asked her what happened if you die. She said, that when you died, the good people went to heaven and lived happy with big, pretty, white wings and can fly and never hurt again. They turn into angels. The bad people like the ones that started the war went to hell and they were made to hurt like I had to but for forever. I don't think that is right. They might be bad people, but no one ever needs to hurt like I did. Ever. Cathy said that when I was an old man and almost a hundred, then I had to worry about going to heaven. I wasn't going to die. But she didn't look at me and her voice was really soft, so I don't know yet.  
  
I told her that if I had to die, I wanted her to do something for me. To give Wing Zero and Faith to my brothers and to let them read my journal. Then use it so that it would be taken care of cause it was a good present. Then I started telling her about being buried in a pretty forest with flowers like the ones in Miss Relena's garden to make everything a lot prettier and she started crying. I said I was sorry and she said it was okay. She was just worried and didn't know what was wrong yet and the doctors were still doing tests and I was just making her sad with talking about dying. She said it sounded like I almost wanted to. I told her I don't and I was sorry, but I had a bad feeling about something and I wanted her to know what to do.  
  
The doctor just came in, he said that he had the tests back and they were weird. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with me besides I'm not eating and I told him before I didn't want to because it made me really sick and I don't like being sick. He says I'm not even allergic to anything to make this happen. Cathy's crying again, but now she's smiling. The doctor says that the only thing he can think of is that I'm getting too much sleep and when I do, it makes me tired, just like not enough sleep can. He says that I should stay up for the rest of the night and then I can sleep in the morning for a little while, then I've got to try and stay up all day. But I'm still tired!"  
  
Why did that sound so much like Duo in the end? Stifling his laughter, Wufei only quickly marked the page and closed the journal, trying to suppress his amusement. Sometimes Duo really does rub off on others. That's all he heard now, "I'm still tired guys!" Sometimes it could really get on the warrior's nerves, but patience helped him through it. Calming himself, he was glad that everything was fine and the somewhat expected reaction from Cathrine still expected of course, but in a way, it wasn't. It was hard to explain, like Cathrine had always hated Heero for letting her brother nearly commit suicide in one of his uncertain times, yet she loved him as her own, dear, little brother. Opening it again, he finished the excerpt.  
  
"I just asked Cathy why she started crying again, she says that she's just glad that that is all and that I'm not really sick and nothing bad is wrong with me. That's good, and when I asked her if that meant that I wasn't going to die for a long time, she started laughing and said when I was old and gray.  
  
I'm glad she's smiling now and she said that we can go home now, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I've got to try and eat a lot more they said, I don't want to but I have to. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt already.  
  
I just called my brothers and we're at home now and Cathy is trying to keep me up. She's making some soup for us right now. My brothers said they were really glad that maybe I was just sleeping too much and that I'm getting as bad as Duo. He just pretended to be mad and pout, Duo did, then he started laughing too. They also said that I should start eating slow and then start eating more and more when I was ready. Even if I didn't really want to, I had to try. So I'm going to.  
  
They also said that they were waiting for me to feel better and get my and Zita's show practiced and ready so they had the perfect excuse to come back. They were ready when I was.  
  
I also told them where we were at and they said that they were really proud of me for being brave and being so close to an OZ base. They said OZ wasn't smart enough to know I was there and that they wouldn't mess with me because when you make Cathy mad, they were going to pay. And Cathy likes me so that she'd never let them hurt me. That, and they were afraid of me because I was a really good fighter and a Gundam Pilot like they were. I still am, but I don't have to fight now. That's good, because I don't like to fight. As long as I didn't tell OZ that, they didn't know the difference. I'm glad.  
  
Cathy says the soup is almost ready so I have to put this away and stop writing. I get tired when I write too, so I'm not going to write until tomorrow. I've got to try and stay up now.  
  
Bye."  
  
Grinning, he was gladdened to know that Heero was actually anticipating their return. They hated to fight and they'd all become a bit overprotective of him, this amplifying their need and want to return. His head shot up from the book though when he heard a soft stirring and looking up, he found that Heero was growing restless in his sleep. "It's okay Watashi No Otoko, we're here and nothing is going to happen to you. Your brothers are here and we aren't going to leave you..." Standing and gently placing his hand on the boy's shoulder, he watched him relax but was sure to speak softly so as not to awaken the others either.  
  
When Heero had fallen into a peaceful or rather exhausted sleep again, the young dragon sat in the chair and continued reading, drawn into his younger brother's experiences.  
  
"§ June 29, 195 AC §  
  
§ I did forget yesterday, I ate and I didn't throw up again. I feel a lot better and I don't feel sick or really tired anymore. Just a little bit.  
  
Cathy let me come outside for a little while yesterday and today. Zita showed me what she was thinking and I really like the idea, all we have to do is practice now. Everyone is getting everything ready again, we're going to move and this time it is in a big city. Cathy says that if we get a lot of people on the first day, that we'll stay a little while longer. Big cities always get the circus a lot of people. That's good.  
  
Zita says that she is going to take Cathy and me into town and we can get me a costume too. She says I need one if I want to be in the show. I'm really excited. I want to be in the show and if we practice a lot and really hard, then my brothers can come back and see it. I want them to see it for the first time. I told Cathy and she says that it is a great idea, but we should try it for the circus members first so I can get used to having a crowd. That's good, I got really nervous when I went down to the ring on my first show, I don't want to get nervous this time. I don't want to mess up in front of my brothers.  
  
Zita has a white costume, long pants that flair out at the bottom into frills and a tight short-sleeve shirt. It doesn't cover her stomach though. She has a jacket too and it looks like a cowboy jacket, but it is cut off and the bottom stops at her stomach too. It doesn't button up. It's really pretty and she says I'll have a boy's costume, but a white one like her's. But her's is really shiny and the jacket is leather. I don't want a shiny costume and I want a shirt that fits. She only laughed and said that is how they were made, but mine wouldn't be exactly like hers. She said I'd see. So I have to wait now.  
  
I also got to ride Enchantress again and she was glad I was better too, Zita said. She gave me a kiss and she watched me play with Faith and the ball before she wanted to and ran after the ball too. It was really funny, because she would get the ball and Faith would try and take it and she couldn't and she tried and barked. Zita showed me how to tell her to bring it back with my hands. Now Enchantress plays catch with us too. Faith got the ball a couple of times but Chant tried to take it from her and Faith only ran around with her tail wagging. I'm glad she likes to play.  
  
I haven't talked to my brothers yet, they had to go back and fight and get rid of some of the bases so that OZ and the Alliance can't fight anymore. That'll be good, then the war will be over and they can come home.  
  
It's getting late and I need to help tomorrow because we're moving tomorrow. Goodnight."  
  
Now that was something he'd like to see, Chant and Faith playing catch with Heero. Then the small dog next to the large tiger and each trying to take the ball from the other after chasing it down. It had to be comical. Sighing again, he was glad they had someone's beliefs in them when they were fighting.  
  
"§July 1, 195 AC §  
  
§ You should really see it! I got my costume yesterday and it is a lot like Zita's, but it is really cool and it's mine! I'm so happy! I can't wait until the others call to tell them and show them. Cathy and Zita just laughed and clapped when I tried it on and they said they really really liked it too! The manager wants to see it, but he was a little busy when we got back so I can't show him now. It's really cool! We spent a lot of time looking in a lot of stores and I got tired but the others didn't and I had to stop from time to time. They looked at everything five times and said that it was different and then put it back!  
  
I got white pants like Zita does, but they don't flair out and frill and I like that much better. She said I should try them and I told her no and she and Cathy started laughing really hard. I wasn't playing though and when I told them, they said that was okay and laughed some more. But, I also have a silver T-shirt, and it's a little shiny but that's okay and Zita let me get a white, leather jacket too! Just like a real cowboy's, and it isn't cut short either! They said I had to get new shoes too and I said I liked mine, but they said that it wouldn't look right and it might hurt the animals when we do our acts. So I got new ones and they're really different, but they're white too and made for moving. I think they look like ballerina shoes and I don't like them a lot, but everyone said they looked good with my costume and they bought them and I can't say no. Cathy says that tomorrow we can go ahead and start on my practice. She says I need to get my show ready with Zita and that we need to practice so that we know what to do and the tigers do too! I can't wait! Zita told and showed me what she wanted to do and I think it is really neat and a lot of fun and I hope the other people like it too. I just want to show my brothers, and plus, they get to visit! It's been a long time already, Sis says it has almost been two months already. Most of the time I was too sick to notice. I remember, I was always tired and sleeping and sick and hurting. But I wasn't hurting badly like I did before, and that's good. At Sally's base, the others said I almost died because I couldn't breath when I was throwing up."  
  
Grinning, he remembered the carefully laid out costume and knew for certain that it was Heero's. The one he prided because it was his own and it meant something special to him. Yet he remembered the scare at Sally's base as well, everyone was on edge the entire time and it didn't help their hopes when Quatre told them. He was still fairly certain though that Quatre had been too nice and let their secret of their gift slip. About redoing Wing Zero.  
  
"....It wasn't as bad as the pain from the gunshot either. That hurts a lot and I wanted to scream and yell but my voice didn't work and I got tired really fast and I couldn't breathe and I could feel my blood leaving me. I could feel me dying. It was really scary.  
  
But that pain didn't hurt like I hurt before, I never want to hurt like that ever again and no one else should have to either. I don't want to write that, I don't want to remember that. I was really scared then and I wanted to die I hurt so much, but I couldn't and I tried to pray but God and the angels must not have heard me. Duo told me that I was never alone and that the angels were with me, a lot of them. They're called my guardian angels. He said that they protected me and took a lot of the hurt away and didn't let me give up because my friends were coming. They're not my friends, not all the way. They're my brothers. He said that they took a lot of the hurt away for me and made it easier and they were there to watch over me. And God was with me and he still loved me and knew that I was hurting and tired and weak, but he was being strong for me and he was sending my brothers as fast as they could come. He also said that he was judging the other men and that they would pay for all they did to me. I can still feel the hurt and being scared and I don't want to, so I'm going to quit writing about it.  
  
I hope the others are okay, they still haven't called and Cathy said that when she watched the news, three more bases were blown up and they were OZ and Alliance bases, they said it was done by the Gundam Pilots. I'm proud of them, they said they're still looking for them, so they didn't get captured. They said they would try and tell me everything is okay even if I can't talk back and send them letters. I hope they do, I am getting worried again.  
  
Cathy is back and she said that the manager has time now and he really wants to see my costume, so I'll be back in a little bit.  
  
I'm back! He liked it and smiled and laughed and clapped really loud when I showed him and a lot of other people from the circus stopped and started smiling and clapping too! The manager says that he is proud of me and that he really wants to see our show, mine and Zita's. He says that if I'm Trowa's brother, he knew I was going to be really good and another star! Just like Trowa and Cathy! I hope so, it'd be a lot of fun!  
  
When I asked Cathy today what would happen when the war was over, she said that there would be peace and that Trowa and the others could come home, and then Trowa would come and live with and work at the circus again. Then I asked her about the others, and she said that they'd go back to their homes and live in peace and try and help Miss Relena make the world a better and peaceful place. I asked her if they would come and live with and work at the circus too, but she only shook her head and said that they each had homes to go back to. I don't remember my home, I don't think I had one. Then what do I do when the war is over? I want to stay with all my brothers, I don't want to pick one to stay with for the rest of my life. I would miss the others too much. I don't know what to do."  
  
Closing his eyes, Wufei remembered his home before it was destroyed. His family as well, and his young wife. All gone. No, he was wrong there. He still had family, one's he cared for greatly and they sat in the very same room as himself. Yet the part of Heero's pain flooded his mind with the recent events. To see that he never went through that pain again or any other, they'd have to figure something out for after the war and Heero being able to see all of them.  
  
"§ July 7, 195 AC §  
  
§They're coming! My brothers are coming back! Everyone said we did excellent and they loved mine and Zita's show!  
  
We did everything right and I got a little nervous at first, but when Cathy and Hilde stood up and started clapping when I came out, everyone else did too! Then I wasn't nervous anymore. I was proud of myself and did everything just like we practiced, it was so much fun! I like being out there in front of people now, it's lots of fun and I like being in the "spotlight" like Cathy said. The manager says that I'll be a natural star, just like my brother and sister! I hope the others will be proud of me too.  
  
Cathy says that we just need to wait a little while longer and then call them, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I can't tell them what I'm doing in the show yet, I want it to be a surprise. I really want to see their faces when they see my costume and my show. Not mine, mine and Zita's.  
  
I'm feeling a lot better today, last night, I had a bad dream. I saw that I was back in the small, dark room and I felt it all over again. I was so scared, I thought it was real and I couldn't find my brothers and I didn't know what was happening. I just felt the hurt all over again as the other man laid on me and then pushed himself inside my body. I couldn't stop him and I just kept screaming and no one came to help me. No one heard me. Then I woke up and found out it was a dream and Cathy let me cry and held me and calmed me down, she said that no one was ever going to hurt me and that she wouldn't ever let that happen. I trust her, but I had a bad feeling again. She said that this bad feeling was wrong, because she wasn't ever going to let something like that happen. I hope not, and I trust her. I've just still got a bad feeling. The bad feeling is getting worse now, and there's a lot of noise outside and a lot of yelling. I've gotta go, Cathy should be back from taking Hilde and Sam to another safe place. Faith is growling at the door and her tail is down, something is really wrong and I have to go."  
  
This had to be the day Heero and Cathy were taken captive. Sighing, he knew about Heero's dream. Cathy had told them about it after he'd fallen asleep again. Silently flipping the page, he found that the others were blank. His brother's "bad feelings" seemed to have proven true, and they tried to keep it from ever happening again, but they couldn't. They'd failed him. "I'm sorry Heero..." Standing and placing the book on the chair, he realized that the Japanese youth was beginning to awaken. 


	22. No Longer a Child

Painfully forcing his eyes open, Heero blinked a couple of times to clear the blurriness from them yet each time there was a twinge of pain in the area near his right eye. Slowly looking about himself, he found Wufei standing at his side. In confusion, he didn't know where he was or what had happened to him, Heero tried to speak, yet his voice wouldn't work. 'Where am I? What happened to me? All I remember is being taken captive by OZ while the others escaped, then everything is hazy...'  
  
"Just relax Heero, you're in the hospital and everything's going to be fine, you never have to go back to the OZ base or deal with the soldiers again.." Placing his hand softly on his shoulder, Wufei looked into his confused, Prussian eyes with a slight smile.  
  
'What's he talking about? When has Wufei ever smiled? And why is he talking to me like I'm a child?' Questions plaguing his mind, Heero turned from the young warrior and looked for something, anything, to write on. He also found that Quatre slept by his side, leaning against the hospital bed, Duo and Trowa in chairs in front of him, and Trowa's sister was there for some reason. She looked like she'd been hit a few times.  
  
*Flashback* Heero looked up, watching Cathy being struck down by the soldier as she placed herself between his vulnerable form and the man. Taking in pained and shallow breaths, Heero wanted to get up and help his sister, she was being hurt protecting him from feeling the pain all over again. Yet, he was still taken from the holding cell, his head snapping back against the metal door frame as he struggled to breathe, but without avail. Then all he felt was himself thrown into the opposite wall, then dragged off to more pain along the cold, metal floor.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Calming his breathing and closing his eyes, the young soldier tried to push the thoughts from his mind. He didn't remember what pain it had been, but he knew that it hurt and he'd had to feel it. Then something clicked. Why had he thought of Cathrine as his sister? And why would she even dare to protect him like that? After what nearly happened to Trowa?  
  
"Heero?" Growing concerned, Wufei disregarded the others as they awoke. Something wasn't right. The look in his little brother's eyes was different, not child-like and scared as normal, but matured and confused, like he was himself again, yet showed emotions.  
  
Looking up again, Heero took his left hand and pretended to write something, hoping that the other pilot would know what he meant. He had to get answers, or he'd go mad. He was remembering small things, but it still didn't make sense. 'Come on Wufei, I know you're smarter than that. Why can't I talk?!'  
  
Glancing down as the youth pretended to scribble something, he looked about and caught the journal and pen. Taking it up, he opened it to one of the last pages and handed Heero the pen, watching him scribble down something that wasn't the neatest and easiest to read.  
  
'Why are you treating me like a child?'  
  
Now it was his turn to be confused. After the first trauma, Heero had been reverted back into a child-like state of mind. Yet now, he was like himself again. It must have been after what happened. He'd returned to his normal self again, in maturity wise anyway. "I didn't mean to. It's a bit of a long story Heero. Do you remember what happened before we brought you here?"  
  
'No. Just being taken captive and hoping you all made it to escape.'  
  
Biting his tongue, the young dragon nodded. It was like he was able to block the entire time period out. That was nearly two months worth missed, if not more. "Then you're not remembering a lot. At least two and a half months worth."  
  
Dropping the pen momentarily, the great pilot looked at him in disbelief. Nearly two and half months worth? What had happened to him? Why couldn't he remember? Taking a deep breath, he grimaced in pain at the sudden expanding of his lungs against his ribs. They must have been broken during the time period he couldn't remember. Trying to shift his position to relieve the stiffness in his muscles, a searing pain shot throughout his waist and lower body, causing him to bite his tongue so as not to cry out. Then he remembered that he couldn't anyway without his voice and the Japanese youth only took in short, gasping breaths as he tried to calm himself.  
  
Quatre opened his eyes and realized that Heero was awake and in pain, quickly standing and looking down upon him. "Heero? What's wrong, what happened?"  
  
Wufei looked up at the Arabian boy, his features solemn. "I'm guessing he just tried to move."  
  
Nodding with a slight frown, he spoke softly. "It's okay Heero, it's going to hurt for a little while but it'll all go away."  
  
"He's himself again."  
  
Confused at the sudden statement, Quatre shot the Chinese youth a curious glance. "What do you mean he's himself again?"  
  
"After what happened the first time, he was like a child again. Now, after the second occurrence, he's back to himself Quatre." Hearing his friend's breathing calm down, he nodded to confirm Quatre's uncertainty. "We'll have to tell him later."  
  
Focusing the pain, Heero looked at the two and winced slightly in pain again. Taking up the pen, he wrote again.  
  
"What happened to me? Why am I in so much pain?"  
  
Delicately placing his hand on Heero's lower, right arm, the kind-hearted youth looked into his eyes after Wufei had read the questions. "We'll tell you, but don't worry about it now. We're sorry you had to go through all of the pain, and it's with what happened, but we won't let it happen again."  
  
Growing frustrated with the two avoiding his questions, he wrote again.  
  
"Why did I call Cathrine my sister? She's Trowa's."  
  
Speaking up at this, Wufei answered. "She said you could call her that, you were staying with her after we went back to the war. We didn't want to drag you back into it after what happened, especially since you forgot most of it. At that time, you didn't even remember Wing Zero and we, or rather Quatre, taught you how to use it again. It seemed you recalled a bit of it, but just had to remember."  
  
Laughing softly, Quatre smiled. "I think I still have the bruises to prove your little flying escapade. They really need to put passenger seats in those Gundams, it hurts too much otherwise."  
  
Still confused, he stared back at the platinum blonde. Pushing that from his mind, he finally decided to ask what was bothering him the most.  
  
"Why can't I speak?"  
  
Sighing, Quatre spoke at this. "When in capture again, it will all make sense later, the OZ doctors seemed to have been intrigued as to why everyone called you the Perfect Soldier. That's probably why you'll be feeling a lot of pain in your abdomen and chest, because they made an incision and from the surveillance videos, it was while you were awake and undrugged. Then they went ahead and cut into your voice box, destroying the vocal chords. You won't be able to talk again Heero."  
  
Sighing and closing his eyes, Heero dropped the pen again and let his hand fall limp. He couldn't remember, he couldn't speak, and he was in severe pain. He hadn't really ever known pain before, but he sure as hell did now. Releasing a breath through gritted teeth, he let himself fall back into the exhausted state and into sleep.  
  
§ 


	23. Trowa's Pain

Walking tiredly next to the others, Heero was gladdened to be out of that damned hospital bed and outside. He was still extremely sore and it was still a little hard to breathe because of his broken and now healing ribs, but he was doing a lot better. The bruises were slowly starting to disappear and he wasn't in constant torment.  
  
The others had told him what had actually happened to him, and slowly he began to recall where the pain had come from and the unwanted feelings. The pain of another being inside his body, all against his will or want and the feeling of the hands grabbing his body again made him shudder and pray never to experience it again. He hated it so. Following the others about the circus area, most still untouched from the destruction made by OZ soldiers, he stopped Trowa and quickly signed with his hands. He'd had to learn it as a child, it was part of his training. Trowa was the only one of the group that understood him and it saved him some frustration.  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
With a saddened and exhausted smile, Trowa motioned over to Cathy's trailer. The inside was still slightly a mess, but the cushions and everything else that Faith's blood had stained had been removed. "You and Cathy should go ahead and rest. The others will stay with you, but I need to try and make something right." Leading them inside, he helped Cathrine to her bed and watched her rest tiredly underneath the blankets.  
  
Heero looked about the trailer, placing his journal on the counter. Catching sight of a dog collar and leash, he picked it up and held if for a moment.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Can Faith come too?" Was his eager question as soon as he realized they were going.  
  
"Well, I don't see why not. She's your dog after all..." Smirking, she listened to Heero's shocked silence while Trowa couldn't help it seemed but collapse to his knees in laughter. Looking up, she realized why. Heero looked at her as if she were crazy, his jaw dropped open, it almost touched the floor or so it seemed. A life flared in his eyes, but that was the only movement for he remained still. "Heero?" Her tone was playful and amused as she dabbed at the wounds, cleaning them skillfully before rewrapping them.  
  
Heero finally found his voice and willed himself to speak. "You mean she's really mine now?" "Yep, if you want her that is." Quickly securing the bandage, she waited for his next reaction as the other two gundam pilots joined them, the hanger becoming eerily silent while everyone watched. Trowa struggled to stand in the background.  
  
With a burst of energy, Heero jumped up from the chair, not caring that it clattered to the floor behind him. Crouching down, he hugged Faith tightly and smiled, his eyes closed as he whispered to *his* dog in joy. "You're my dog now Faith, you're finally mine now."  
  
Opening his eyes and letting go of Faith, *his* dog, he beamed at seeing Quatre and Wufei standing next to Sally. "She's mine now, Faith's my dog. Sally said we can go to town and get her a new collar, she said you could come too!" Searching their uncertain faces, he hoped that they'd come with too, he wanted his friends to be there with him.  
  
"Well Quatre, we've gotten quiet a bit done for today. We should probably take a break." He nodded toward Heero, smiling at his excitement.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Placing the leash and collar back on the counter, he watched Trowa exit and quickly signed his confusion. He remembered Faith, and he remembered watching her as she whined and blood seeped from her chest, but then he only remembered a burst of pain and a blinding white flashing before his eyes. Then everything was hazy again.  
  
"What happened to Faith?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Trowa shook his head. "When we got here, no one had found her to help her. She's gone, she bled to death Heero."  
  
Nodding and looking to the ground, he let himself be led over to the quickly made up couch and sat down, not really struggling or caring. Laying down, he realized how tired he was and didn't fight against the others coaxing him to sleep. Falling onto the pillow, he winced slightly in pain but calmed his breathing and fell into the warmth of the quilt being placed over him.  
  
Duo backed up, having motioned for the others to take a seat as he finished covering his little brother. That's how everyone referred to him know, even if he was older than Duo or if he was his normal self. Turning back to the others, he took a seat on the floor. "Where you going off to Trowa?"  
  
Stopping at the door, he looked out at the camp grounds but called back softly. "To make what wrong I've done right. Just relax and stay with Cathy and Heero, they should be fine but just incase." Stepping from the trailer, he headed toward where the great tent once stood.  
  
Quatre watched the door close, feeling bad for Trowa. The others still shunned him and they didn't see that what he'd done was to protect them, not to hurt them. Yet to help make matters worse, Trowa believed that he'd hurt them as well, that it was in full, his fault. No matter how anyone else proved that he was innocent of such a thing. "He still blames himself when it wasn't his fault."  
  
"He tried to protect them from the war and it hurt them anyway, his virtues tell him that he could have done more to prevent it." Wufei stood, heading toward the door.  
  
"You leavin' us too Wufei?" Duo piped up, hopin' to slightly lighten the mood. It seemed like such a void time, but it wasn't any fun with everyone else so depressed. Besides, you couldn't do much if you're frustrated and depressed all the time.  
  
"He's tired," he replied bluntly, "and he's not in the right state of mind. Someone has to look out for him."  
  
Without a word, Quatre stood and crossed over to his side. "He'll hurt himself if he keeps going like this."  
  
Sighing, Duo smirked. "Leaving me to baby-sit while you both go play psychiatrist. Have fun. As long as I get paid five bucks by the hour..."  
  
Chuckling softly, Quatre faced Duo. "Talk about being selfless. Does it out of the goodness of his heart."  
  
"Goodness?" Wufei added.  
  
"I know, I'll be getting the Nobel Peace Prize or something for helping humanity. You'd better go find him." Laughing softly, he took the tv box and turned it on, keeping the volume down low and searching the channels.  
  
Standing before the once grand tent, Trowa only took a deep breath and began to upright the fair booths and place the prizes back as they were, brushing the grass and dirt from them and setting aside the ones that needed more attention to be re-stitched or washed. If they couldn't be used by the circus, they could always be donated to charities for children.  
  
"Why don't you just go away and leave us in peace? All you did was bring more pain and war to our home, you're not wanted here anymore." Zita glared at the youth, her voice cold and calm.  
  
"You're right Zita, I am unwanted and I did bring this pain to you all, but at least let me make retributions for it. Let me fix things before I leave." Watching her wearily, he turned back to his work and grabbed the larger booth, pulling it up and standing it upright.  
  
Not dropping it yet and feeling anger toward him, Zita continued. "We made it just fine without you before and we can do it ourselves. We don't need you. Just leave, we'll get this."  
  
That was it, Trowa just had to let things go. "God damn it Zita, just stop already! Why the hell can't you see that I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you and will leave, but I won't until I make amends for what I've done. This is the only place I ever could call a home, all of you, the only ones I could call a family. I never had nor knew one before, hell, I don't even know my name, I don't have a birthday, I don't have a family, nothing of my own! I just took Trowa Barton as my own name when its original owner was killed and I was there to witness it. They needed another pilot and all I'd ever known was fighting. I've envied all of you, because you never had to feel what it's like to lose everything, and never know who you are! And I'm glad you won't have to, but you don't realize how hard this is. Just please, let me make this right and then I'll never return to cause any of you more torment." Catching the manager walking up behind Zita, he knew that he'd heard. Closing his eyes and swallowing the uneasy feeling, Trowa turned to place the last of the prizes back in their spots before lifting another booth. This one was heavier than the others and he struggled with it, not helping him was the fact that he was drained and had missed out on a lot of sleep.  
  
Zita watched the pain blaze within his emerald eyes and was sorry for bringing it up and not holding her tongue. She knew that Trowa always hid something from them, but she never would have guessed that. Biting her lower lip, she averted her gaze guiltily to the ground and held her hands before her.  
  
Trying to force the booth up and digging his heels into the soft ground, Trowa shook the dizziness from is vision. Why couldn't he just do this? Feeling his legs give out and his body falling backwards, he stifled his cry as much as possible. His head hit the ground harshly, but that's not what caused him so much pain. The wooden booth had come down on top of him, the edge digging into his left side. He'd felt the bone of his left hip being chipped away and tear through the skin, blood spilling from the deep gash. It was growing so much harder to breathe, and as he tried to push the booth off of him, he felt light-headed and woozy, and didn't have the strength to do so. Screams and shouts echoed in his ears as he struggled to breathe, feeling the world spin around him.  
  
Quatre rushed over to Trowa's side, seeing the large booth having crushed his brother and trapped him beneath it. Quickly dropping to the ground as Wufei followed him, the young Arabian pulled his friend's head onto his lap and listened to his struggling gasps. He'd become deathly pale in a matter of seconds and his skin was frozen to the touch. "Trowa, come on, look at me Trowa. You've got to open your eyes and stay awake. Trowa, please." Catching the pooling blood, the youth tried to shake his friend awake.  
  
Groaning and looking up, his eyes caught sight of the blurry outline of Quatre. Grimacing and forcing himself to speak, the youth disregarded the silent and gathering crowd. "It just... slipped..." Crying out, he felt Wufei grab the booth's edge and try and lift it.  
  
"Stop a minute Wufei, it's just leaning to the side and hurting him more. We need to lift the entire thing up and get him out, we can't do it ourselves..." Taking off his jacket, he placed it over his friend and tried to calm him. "You've got to take in slow, deep breaths Trowa. You need to calm down." Becoming even more worried when his brother began to cough and blood seeped from the sides of his lips, the young Arabian looked about frantically.  
  
Sitting bolt upright, Heero looked about himself and it took him a few minutes to realize that Duo was struggling to keep him calm.  
  
"Hey, settle down buddy. It's okay, it had to be another nightmare. C'mon, you're safe now, take it easy." Holding his little brother's shoulders firmly, he catched and held his fearful gaze.  
  
No, it wasn't a dream that had awakened him, something else was wrong. He could feel it. Looking about, he realized that the others weren't there in the trailer with him. Pushing past Duo, he stood and quickly made his way to the door but stopped and was spun around before he could exit.  
  
"What's wrong with you man? We're fine, everyone's okay and so are you. Settle down."  
  
Shaking his head vigorously, he quickly began to sign but it didn't really click in his mind that Duo didn't understand him. 'Where are the others?! They need help! Where are they?!'  
  
Looking at him in confusion, Duo only bit his lower lip. "I don't understand ya buddy."  
  
Throwing his hands into the air, he searched frantically for something to write on. Snatching up the pen and his journal, he flipped to the last few pages and scribbled down the questions.  
  
Reading the sloppy handwriting, Duo looked back into Heero's determined yet fearful eyes. "Quatre and Wufei are with Trowa, he said he wanted to go and make whatever wrong he'd done right."  
  
Slamming the pen down on the counter, he passed by the surprised American and ran out onto the fair grounds. Something wasn't right and he knew it, but Duo's answer didn't help him at all. Footsteps behind him told him that his outspoken friend was following; that was good, because they might just need his help.  
  
Stripping off his jacket and placing it over Trowa's form, Wufei kneeled by his side. "Stay awake Trowa."  
  
Forcing his eyes to flutter open again, Trowa tried to stay awake, but he was so tired and cold. Gasping, he looked up into the clear blue sky, soft wisps of clouds floating lazily in the sunlight. He was now losing feeling in everything from his waist down as his eyes became glossy and dazed, yet frightened. "I... I c-can't...."  
  
"Trowa." Shaking the youth awake again, Quatre spoke firmly. His friend was running out of will power quickly. Glancing at the crowd, he was stunned as to why none had moved, they weren't helping them, nor were they talking or calling for an ambulance or anything! "Damn it, help us! He'll bleed to death if you don't help us!" Not seeing a one of the people so much as flinch, he turned back to Wufei.  
  
Nodding, Wufei grasped the wooden frame once more and pulled it upward, but at hearing the splintering of wood, he stopped. "It's breaking and if it does, the heaviest part of it would crush his legs. We need..."  
  
"Hang on guys!" Duo saw the large crowd of people and knew that what Heero was feeling earlier was what he was feeling now, dread and the knowledge that something was seriously wrong. Pushing with the determined, Japanese youth in front of him, they made their way through the mass of people. Stopping and inhaling sharply at seeing Trowa's barely conscious and ghostly white form, he was just as shocked as the rest of the people around. Blood pooled around his waist and on the ground beneath him, its deep crimson staining the green grass. His brother's emerald eyes were now dull and pained, no life within them as he struggled to live.  
  
Heero caught sight of Trowa, but unlike Duo, knew what had to be done and didn't hesitate to do so. Pulling the stunned youth back to his senses and over to the booth, he gripped the other corner and motioned for Duo to take the middle.  
  
"Be careful guys, Wufei, you and Heero need to grab down lower on the frame. More towards its base or it'll break and just fall on him." Quatre held the weak boy, assuring him and forcing him to stay awake.  
  
Repositioning his grip, Wufei nodded toward Heero and Duo, then without a word, the three began to lift it at once. Ignoring the stifled cries of their comrade and continuing, they righted the booth in moments and when turning back to his friend, he flinched at the sight of he wound. The upper part of pelvis had broken through the skin, its edges sharp and broken instead of rounded. The deep gash exposed muscle and bone, blood pouring out from the wound. The deep crimson liquid pooled around his lower body, soaking his shirt and pants.  
  
"Oh God Trowa..." Turning his eyes from the wound, Quatre knew that the heavy bleeding had to be stopped or he wouldn't make it to a hospital. Glancing about quickly, he caught sight of Duo's belt and forced his voice. "Duo, take off your belt and give it to me now."  
  
Staring in shock and feeling himself grow slightly queasy at the sight, especially the pain it was causing the teen who once had steel nerves, he didn't catch Quatre's order.  
  
Growing impatient and seeing that he wasn't going to do it himself, Heero quickly undid the belt and handed it to Quatre, pushing the American slightly and watching him snap out of his daze. Kneeling, he helped Quatre sit the greatly weakened youth up and ignored Trowa's groans when the belt was tightened and secured around his waist, Wufei's T-shirt having been pressed against the wound to try and stop blood flow. Helping them up, he led them to the jeep where Quatre sat in the back with Trowa, Wufei taking the driver's seat.  
  
"You guys get him to the hospital and take care of him..." Duo backed away from the jeep as it was started. There wasn't enough room for all five of them with that situation and he'd stay behind with Heero. That, and Cathy was going to freak out when she heard about her little brother.  
  
Watching them disappear down the road, the Japanese pilot only turned from them and back to the booths where he picked up a stuffed tiger that needed its tail sewn back on and its coat washed. The crowd only turned their eyes to he and Duo, still not a word uttered. Sighing, he looked back at Duo and mouthed the words slowly as he signed them. 


	24. Anger Surfaces

'What's wrong with them? Why didn't they help?' Heero signed in a questioning haze, yet anger, it was the only way he could speak and he did so with a passion, for now he was pissed off.  
  
Taking only a few minutes to realize what he'd just said, Duo shook his head. "I'm not sure buddy. That's a question I'd like the answer to too." Turning to face the crowd, Duo spoke to them and glared. "Why the hell did all of you just stand there when he needed help? Were you just going to let Trowa bleed to death and watch him?"  
  
Swallowing, Zita stepped forward. "I-I'm sorry. One minute, he was claiming how lucky we were and then.... it's not natural to see him in so much pain, we were all just scared..."  
  
"Just scared? Just scared? Forgive me for using your name Lord, but Jesus Christ! You were scared that he was in so much pain and *could* have died but you watched him slip from life anyway like brainless zombies?! Does anyone else see anything totally fucking wrong with that picture?!" Releasing his anger, Duo yelled at the rest of the crowd.  
  
Placing his still bandaged hand on Duo's shoulder, the silent youth urged him to calm down. Stepping before him, he only mouthed the words, "Trowa will be fine, calm down." Then to the crowd, he asked with his hands, if anyone could understand him. Zita only took another step forward at this.  
  
Hanging her head and throwing her gaze to the ground, the young circus performer nodded. "I understood all of what you just said Heero. I can interpret for you."  
  
Nodding, he turned and scanned the crowd, finding the shocked manager and stepping up to his side. Catching his eyes, Heero slowly began.  
  
Without hesitation, Zita repeated softly everything that Heero was saying, her head still hanging but her eyes on him. "He asks, why do we still shun Trowa when he hasn't done anything wrong. Why we didn't help him or try to understand what he was feeling?"  
  
Raising his eyes to the boy and standing from his seat on the crate, he answered. "We are a peaceful circus, its people don't fight in the war and the more we fight, the longer this war, death, pain, and hatred will last. He has also lied to us constantly, and if he were to stop fighting and having told us, we could have forgiven. I won't have those who will hide secrets from me and are untrustworthy in this circus."  
  
Staring back at him, Heero only shook his head. What was wrong with these people?  
  
Zita quickly picked up the signing and repeated at his fast, angered movements and gestures. "Why don't you see that he didn't want to fight? He never meant to lie to you nor become attached, but he finally found some place where he belonged and there were those that cared for him. He did it to protect you, so you never became involved in the war. If anything, it was my fault for staying here that let all this happen, you were never meant to be drug into this. Trowa only brought me here until I was well so that I could heal and try and live a normal life, after everything that happened. He was trying to help me and trying to help you by keeping who he was a secret.  
  
There are those out there who do not understand words, they only understand the need to fight and if we don't fight to settle this, it *will* continue. He has to fight as we do, because we are the only ones that can see that this is all wrong and we are the only ones who should have to suffer the horrors of war and the pain.  
  
You've never had to feel the emptiness within you, hear repeated screams and see the faces of those you kill as they're dying, just so you can live to kill again and try and stop a needless war. You've never had to relive each nightmare, night after night, day after day. We have. We each lost our homes, our families, and most of the time, ourselves. This is his home, and you, his family. This is all he's ever known and it's more than a lot of us have.  
  
If you let little things like this keep you from seeing the truth, then you'll be blinded for the rest of your life. This is far from right and I have stood by long enough and watched others get hurt and let them take on everything alone. I will no longer. Try and forgive him, families don't split up with such little things like this, and you are one and he is a part of your's whether you want to admit it or not. And right now, he's blaming all of this upon himself and he's tired and weak. After what just happened, he could have very well died too. Stop being so selfish and see that. Think about it." Closing her eyes when he'd finished, she blinked back the tears that filled her eyes. She knew just how much Trowa could have truly died there, and she wasn't sure if he'd even made it to the hospital. Yet, it wasn't just the words that were translated that struck her, it was the passion and anger and protectiveness that he signed with.  
  
Turning away from them and to Duo, he only nodded and picked up the stuffed animals that needed to be tended to and began to walk toward Cathrine's trailer. He was sick of having to put up with those stubborn people and he needed something to keep his mind focused on until they heard word from Quatre or Wufei.  
  
§  
  
Watching over Trowa's unconscious form, Quatre sat next to his bedside. They'd given him a blood transfusion and now he was on IVs and breathed with the help of the respirator. The doctors told them that if he'd lost even an ounce more of blood, he would surly have died. He was also very lucky that the wooden frame of the booth wasn't any heavier, for even a gram more of weight and his spinal cord would have been snapped, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. They'd had to cap the part of the bone that had been chipped with metal since they weren't able to replace the small pieces of bone. This would prevent him from being pained throughout the rest of life. They'd stitched up the gash and were surprised to find that the organs were only bruised but the sudden blow had caused him to spit up some blood. All he needed now was a great amount of rest and relaxation so he could heal. "The things he gets himself into. He's becoming as bad as Heero."  
  
Grinning softly, Wufei stood and looked out the window. It'd been at least three hours since they'd arrived at the hospital and the others knew about Trowa. They were all relieved that he was fine, but were thanking the stars for all they were worth when they heard about how much of a difference there was between critically fatal and just barely making it through. "Sadly enough, he is."  
  
Yawning, Quatre looked down at his blood stained shirt and hands, realizing that he'd yet cleaned it off of them. "How did the others take it?"  
  
"They're glad he's all right and praising the heavens that those little factors were just as they were, that the booth wasn't any heavier and that we got here in time. Duo said that Heero practically went off on the others, Zita translated for him. After that, Cathrine lost it and they had fun calming her down." Watching the Arabian youth in slight curiosity, he nodded toward the small sink in the room.  
  
Standing with a grin, Quatre only walked to it and began to wash the blood from his hands, knowing it will never truly disappear as the other blood stains from his victims of the war didn't. No matter how he tried to clean it from his hands, they were always stained with blood, most of it innocent blood. Drying his hands on his pants legs, he only turned and looked out the window, catching the once more, magnificent sunset along the horizen. "I'm going to be ever so grateful when this war is finally over."  
  
Nodding, the young warrior thought about his previous question. "Until Heero awoke and returned to his normal self, I'd been trying to decide what we were going to do. Cathrine told us about reading his journal if anything should happen to him and what I found was that he wanted but feared the end of the war. He wanted to end just as we did, but feared being alone and without a home. That the rest of us would just leave him. Now he's capable and all, yet something still tells me that he doesn't want to be alone after this war. That we'll still have to deal with it. But the question is, how?"  
  
Laughing softly, Quatre only replied gently. "It's something that will bother us and come to be, yes, but in time. We just need to take life one step at a time." 


	25. July 28, 195 AC

"§ July 28, 195 AC §  
  
§I look back and read my entries before this day, and at times it just makes me laugh. I was like that? It sounded so much more like a child's writing. Then again, I guess that is what I was, nothing much more than a child. I only use this journal now out of habit and because it was a gift, especially since it was from Relena. I still care for her, but until this damned war is brought to an end, these feelings within me must be hidden.  
  
After the shock of Trowa's injury, we heard word from Wufei that all was well and that he would only need great amounts of rest. Though this isn't surprising in the least, considering that the large wooden booth nearly crushed his spinal cord, gashing open his lower, left side. He'd lost a great amount of blood, but with that wound and the incompetence of the surrounding spectators, a lot could have been stopped and he, helped sooner. Yet he's still alive and is healing now, all to much great thanks.  
  
Maybe the rest of the circus people here can also see past their blinding ignorance and realize how wrong they are. I spoke with them, wait, that isn't a void word. I spoke with my hands, for I cannot speak with my voice any longer. During the last capture, I'd gone through hell and thankfully, I still don't remember a lot of it and I don't wish to. Yet, my vocal chords were destroyed purposely and now I am nothing more than a mute pilot. A lot of help I'll be in battle.  
  
I hope that they can see how wrong they are to shun one of their family just because of who he is. None of us chose to battle in this war, we don't want to. Yet we have to.  
  
Maybe things could have been different if the war had never occurred. I might have known my real name, my birthday, maybe a family with a brother or sister. I might have known who I really am. But then, this did happen, and I am different because of it. Maybe I'm also wrong. I am who I am whether or not this war occurred. And I do have a family, one of which I'm very grateful of. Yet I also just lost one member.  
  
I remembered Faith, most of the rest of the time I was in the childish state is still hazy. The last time I wrote, it was the day of my capture. I recall being terrified, and then seeing the young greyhound lying on the couch in her own blood, whimpering softly. When I awoke in the hospital after everything happened again, I was slowly told what had occurred to me. When we came back to Cathrine's trailer though, that's when it truly hit me. I'd asked Trowa, and he'd told me that she'd bled to death, but they'd buried her in a beautiful and tranquil area near a crystal clear lake. At least she's at peace.  
  
I looked back again and reread this, and I still can't help but compare my earlier ramblings to this. A vast difference stands between them.  
  
I grow weary and Duo's making things harder for himself than they ever need be. I depart for now." 


	26. August 1, 195 AC

§ August 1, 195 AC §  
  
§ The others have returned, Trowa is still exhausted most of the time and just rests. At least we aren't struggling with him to take it easy, unlike normally. Something that's working in our favor. He'd returned about a day and a half ago, the rest of us trying to help the circus in rebuilding and fixing what had been destroyed or overturned by OZ. I myself seem to grow weary again, though why, I can't really tell. I've remembered to write, but just never seemed to find the energy to. I'll have to try and decipher why that is later.  
  
The manager and the young girl named Zita have come by quite a few times, the manager says just to speak with Trowa and to check on his health and well-being, Zita, for an apology. I believe that they're finally starting to see "the other side of the story", so to speak. I'm actually gladdened someone has.  
  
Duo told me what had happened to my gundam as well, and their reasoning. They'd depleted the extra armor and extracted the battle and combative programs that were originally downloaded into the suit. It's now nothing more than a simple toy. The armor had also been reshaped and painted, thus it is greatly different from the Wing Zero I knew. This should be interesting, and then to try and battle in? I'll have to reprogram all the combative hardware and reinforce the armor myself, later.  
  
They claimed that if they were to take me back into battle at that time, I'd have to relearn to battle and such a task would take too long. That, and I didn't recall any of my memories from the past and battle, making it easier to forget the war and so many of the memories I wished never existed. Giving me a second chance at life. Things are back to the way they were now, so I guess it doesn't matter and the sooner I can help end this war, the better it will be for all of us. They can't do it themselves. I've seen them and it's enough of a strain on five pilots, let alone four.  
  
Once more, I grow tired and weary and must put this away, the once again coming state of nausea not setting my mind at ease."  
  
Releasing a heavy sigh, the youth only laid back upon the cot and placed his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light from the kitchenette area. Sometimes he hated not being in control of his body and his emotions like he was before and feeling sick to his stomach again was one of these times. Closing his eyes, Heero listened to the others quiet even more as he felt a blanket being drawn over his shoulders. Looking up, he found it to be Cathrine turning from his side and heading into the kitchen, turning the light off and opening the shades. It let in less light. Falling into the comfort of the blankets, the Japanese youth only closed his eyes and fell into his exhaustion.  
  
§  
  
¤ Shivering, Heero opened his eyes and panicked thoughts returned to him. No, this had to be another dream, it HAD to be! Again, he felt nothing but the thin sheet covering over his body, the cold, metal cuffs binding his wrists and ankles. Straining against them, he forced them to break, to release him. Yet they did nothing, as the door flung open, the same, roguish man as before standing before him, lustful eyes staring at his body hungrily.  
  
Screaming and yelling, he realized that the cloth wasn't shoved down his throat, but his voice didn't work! Panicking further, Heero strained against his restraints as the man only shed his clothing and closed the door.  
  
Feeling his great weight fall onto his body, Heero realized that he couldn't breathe or move. Then, something large and stiff began to enter his body, forcing itself in softly at first then with a greater brutality. His body was forced to arch and move at unnatural and painful angles, his frame being crushed savagely into the springs and mattress. The youth could feel the other's release coming on, his body surging with fire and agony...¤  
  
Bolting upright, Heero felt himself shaking violently as sweat rolled down his face. Pulling his knees to his chest and laying his head on them, he only circled his arms around his legs and tried to calm his erratic breathing. All that pain, he felt it all over again. But it was just a dream--no, a nightmare. So why did he still feel it? The pain and the uneasiness, the other still inside his body while his hands groped Heero's. Feeling his body continue to tremble, he hugged his knees closer and hid his face and the pain in his eyes.  
  
Duo was up and motioned for the others to go ahead and stay where they were. "Heero?" Softly placing his hand on his brother's shoulder, the American just jumped back and let out a surprised shout.  
  
At that touch, Heero bolted and had scrambled from the cot, overturning it, and sat with terrified eyes with his back against the wall. Taking in gasping breaths and cringing further in the corner, he watched Duo's shocked face and the others truly startled. Drawing up his knees again and hiding his face in shame, the youth hugged his arms and felt a iciness sweep over him.  
  
"Heero? It's okay buddy, whatever it was, no one's gonna hurt ya. Heero? Are you okay buddy?"  
  
Looking up and slightly shaking his head, Heero not only felt sick from before but sick from the touch of the other man. The pain still lingered and he'd be groaning right now if his voice worked. Grimacing, he laid his head once more against his knees and tried to concentrate on the pain, focusing it into one area.  
  
Quatre walked over and kneeled in front of Heero, holding out his hand and delicately placing it on Heero's shoulder. His tormented, Prussian eyes bolted up but eased when he realized who it was. "It's okay Heero, it was a nightmare and we're here now. We're not going to let it happen again..." Grabbing the blanket that had spilt to the floor, he placed it around the teen's shoulders and gently pulled it snuggly in front of him. Heero took the edges of the blanket and held them tightly, hiding his face within the shadows. "There's nothing to be ashamed of..."  
  
Calming his breathing and erratic heartbeat, Heero nodded. He wasn't really sure if he could go back to sleep now. He was still tired, but if he had to see that once more, he'd go insane. He still felt the greedy hands and lustful eyes staring at him and grabbing him, yet Quatre's confident and gentle touch let him know that he was safe among his friends. Slowly standing, he looked at the cot once more and shook his head, he wasn't ready to sleep yet. He was surprised that he hadn't awakened Trowa who slept on the couch.  
  
Taking Heero's shoulders in his hands, Quatre nodded. "You don't have to go back to sleep if you don't want to and you know that. Here, go ahead and sit down, dinner's almost ready anyway Cathrine says." Leading him to the recliner and watching him huddle in the chair, the young Arabian frowned slightly but said nothing.  
  
Wufei crossed over from the door to the sitting area. "Don't fear Heero, we would never let a thing happen like that again if we can help it."  
  
"Yeah man, come hell or high water." Duo added, smirking and giving a nod. "Don't worry lil' bro, we won't let it happen again, ever."  
  
Nodding, he slowly closed his eyes and brought a mental picture of his Relena before his mind's eye. It was the first time they'd met, after he'd just arrived on Earth. And then the first time they'd danced, he'd been reluctant only because he didn't want to see her hurt. Sighing, he fell into his memories of her and into sleep once more, only this time, it wasn't a fearful sleep.  
  
"You know, sometimes I wonder about him..." Laughing softly at seeing Heero's smile, he knew that he was asleep and that there was only one thing that could send that smile to his face. His princess.  
  
Sighing, Quatre replaced the falling blanket around Heero, watching him sink further into it's depths. "We'll get through this war, and life, one step at a time, together." 


	27. Epilogue

§¤§Epilogue§¤§  
  
¤When Trowa was well enough, the four pilots headed off once more into space to continue fighting and to end the senseless war quickly. Yet, not before having spoken with the manager and the people of the circus, each seeming to have come to senses and forgiven him. He was just sworn to return safely after it all ended, and to end the war quickly. This he agreed to and slowly forgave himself.  
  
The other four pilots still couldn't forget about the show that Heero had promised them and after a day or so of practice, Heero performed for them with Zita for the first time and a real audience, not just the other circus members. And he was, just as his brother and sister were, a natural born star to the people.  
  
Heero stayed with Relena throughout the rest of the war, the others finally convincing or rather making him stay so that he could try and achieve a normal lifestyle as they'd originally planned after the first ordeal.¤  
  
Sitting in the garden of the Sanq Palace, the Japanese youth took a deep breath of the crisp, morning air, the fall spices of nature drifting on the slight breeze. He'd also recalled what had happened here, causing him only slight reluctance to sit there where he once did with the poor dog. He'd healed from all his injuries and was living rather normally, except that it took a little while to get others to realize what he was saying. He always kept something to write on and write with in his pocket, since most didn't seem to understand him. Relena did some, but mainly it was reading his lips and not what he was signing. Sighing, he hung his head and closed his eyes, knowing that things happened in life for a reason now and that some of the reasons went unfound, but they all happened for a reason none the less. Faith had showed him how to live while she had, and given him a chance to remain innocent in a way and become a friend in his times of need. And now she was at peace.  
  
A sharp yelping drifted in the air, followed by a splashing and whining.  
  
Standing quickly and trotting from the gazebo, Heero followed the noises and bent quickly by one of the garden's larger ponds. Scooping up the panicking animal, Heero couldn't help but smile at the small puppy, a raggedy, golden retriever. Holding it as the puppy shook in his soft embrace, he felt the warm tongue begin to wash over his hand and he sighed in amusement. By the looks of it, she was a stray as well and needed a home. He hadn't really thought about getting another dog, yet this one decided *she'd* adopted *him* whether he liked it or not. Smirking, he walked quietly back to the palace, knowing that Relena would be waking up by now and that water was a bit cold, still soaking the pup's coat. Well, she didn't seem too graceful, so Grace wouldn't work. Faith had been taken and he wouldn't replace her. Serenity was like Grace, it just didn't stick. Hope might work, but it just didn't seem right for her. The deep brown of her fur caught his eye and he thought about the time of year. Watching her scramble from his arms and tunnel through a pile of leaves after a skittish bird, he smiled. Autumn, it was perfect.  
  
Taking up Autumn in his arms once more as she barked at the sky, he headed inside and for his room. He'd have to get her a collar and leash, Faith's was Faith's, and that's all there was to it. But Autumn needed one of her own, a deep green would work or a golden. Drying the pup with a towel, he snorted softly at watching her struggle. This one was going to be fun.... 


End file.
